Dumb Stuff* My Kids Argue About

*only I didn’t really say “Stuff”

“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.” – Desmond Tutu

Dealing with your children when they’re fighting falls squarely in the middle of Mandatory Parental Experiences. It’s not the WORST worst thing, but it’s really super not fun. I frequently waffle between trying to mediate and letting them figure it out on their own. I realize that learning how to interact with other people, including arguing, is normal child and adolescent development. But once it reaches a certain volume or goes on for more than a few minutes, all I want is for them to STOP IT.

Now, I’m not so old that I’ve forgotten how rotten siblings can be to each other; I know harsh words and even blows were exchanged with and between my brothers when we were growing up, and the same for nearly everyone I know.  But of course, I expected that my own children would somehow, and mostly because they are being raised by ME, be nicer to each other.

So there’s one more delusion that got dashed against the rocks. I’m still learning to lower my expectations.

A while ago, I realized I spend a lot of time asking/pleading/begging/yelling for them to stop fighting. And so I started to keep track of all the dumb shit that they fight with each other about. Today, after a week and a half of their dumb shit over the holiday break, I’ve made my list and checked it twice.

When it comes down to what my kids fight about, there are two basic categories: General Dumb Shit and Specific Dumb Shit. I am hoping that at least some of this will sound familiar to at least some of you and you’ll reassure me that my kids and I aren’t the Absolute Worst. Please. Even if you have to fib a little.

General Dumb Shit My Kids Argue About:

Who gets more – according to each of my children, the other one gets more. More time with Mom and/or Dad, more time on electronics, more toys, more treats, more of everything and anything good in life.  I’ve had the discussion with the older one that she gets more and will always get more, because she was here first. And I’ve told the younger one that yes, her sister has had more ice cream, shoes, and attention in her life, simply because she’s four years older. However, statistically speaking, she should live longer than her sister, and therefore, she will be able to catch up with ice cream and shoes, pretty much everything but parental attention. Live with it, kiddo.

Who gets away with more – there are different expectations for each child, which are mostly age dependent.  So, if you’re 13 and call your sister a “stupid freak”, the repercussions are going to be more severe than if your 9 year old sister calls you the same name. Because at this point in time, when you say it, it sounds mean, but when she says it, I know it’s because she heard it from YOU. Get used to having higher expectations foisted upon you.  You’ll thank me when you’re older (I tell her that, with absolutely zero conviction that it will actually happen).

Who does more – another issue mainly rooted in birth order and related expectations. So yes, you’re 13 years old and you can do things like mow the lawn, make your bed, and help with basic tasks like dishes and laundry. Of course it’s more than I ask of your sister, because she’s four years younger than you. But think about it, I expect a lot more of her than I did of you at her age. Mainly because I’m tired.

Specific Dumb Shit My Kids Argue About:

Literally, three lego pieces out of the thousands that they have.  

The younger one wanting the same flavor lollipop as her sister, while the older one wants anything but the same flavor lollipop as her sister. Sometimes at the bank, but more likely, from the basket at the liquor store counter. Meanwhile, I throw three more bottles of wine plus a bottle of scotch into the cart.

Which one of them has worse breath.

Not wanting to share the sample slice of ham from the deli at the grocery store and then both getting super pissed at me when I get fed up and shove it in my mouth just to shut them up.

Wanting to be the first OR the last to shower, brush their teeth, get dressed, or brush their hair. Whichever one wants, the other wants just as much.

Table manners. One with a mouthful of food yelling at the other one to chew with her mouth closed. It’s precious.

Who is making us late to something. Because one couldn’t find her shoes, and the other one had to have a particular water bottle. Whoever actually ends up seated in the car with their seatbelt buckled claims victory, while the other one howls in protest. Because “it’s not fair”. Of course.

Games. Outside games, indoor games, board games, card games, video games. The battle cry of, “You’re cheating!!!” is the beginning of the inevitable end.

There are four blankets in the living room, and they fight over the ONE that they absolutely need in order to survive. Nevermind that it’s either August and approximately 75 degrees in the room or January and the heat is on and it’s approximately 75 degrees in the room.

Gatorade. Apparently the older one gets gallons more Gatorade, even though the younger one has…wait for it…a half full bottle of Gatorade that she was given 2 days ago, and never finished, in the fridge. Personally, I think Gatorade is gross and don’t want either of them to have it, except that…well, that gets filed under Dumb Shit Adults Argue About.

Alexa.  What in the actual crap was I thinking by getting an Echo? I don’t have any “smart” appliances or other household features, so I mostly use it to play music. But HOLY SHIT, am I sick of “Alexa, play Katy Perry Radio.”, “Alexa, play Jason Mraz Radio”, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ALEXA! PLAY KATY PERRY!!!”, “ALEXA, NEVER PLAY KATY PERRY AGAIN!!” Honestly, I’m surprised that Alexa hasn’t told these two to chill the fuck out.  I might put that on her to-do list.

Who is going to win “America’s Got Talent”, “The Voice”, “American Ninja Warrior”, “British Baking Champion”, or whatever other kind of mind-numbing competition show they are watching.

This shit when my back is turned:

• Kid 2: Stop looking at me!
• Kid 1: (mouthing) You’re a freak! (by the way, I can see this happening in the reflection of the microwave as I take a huge swig dainty sip of wine)
• Kid 2: Moooooooooom, she called me a freak!
• Me: (turning around) (in my head: could you just NOT be jerk to your sister for like, 5 minutes??) Aloud: Sweetie, please don’t call your sister names, it’s really not nice.
• Kid 1: What? What? What did I do? I didn’t do anything!!!! You always blame me!!! Whyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!!??

Who was the one who didn’t flush the toilet. I’m the mom and I still know by scent and appearance which kid it was. I know, it’s gross. But I know.

Who is more like Hermione Granger.

Which one of them is my favorite.  This one, though, always makes me smile. Even though they’re squabbling, they start listing off all of the good things they each do, and every single way that they’re great.  Which is my in to grab them both, squeeze them tight, and tell them that, even though they fight, the one thing that is not up for debate or arguing is how much I love them both. Equally, and with my whole heart.

Because for all of the dumb and really dumb shit they fight about, they are still two of the smartest, funniest, energetic, creative and (mostly, except to each other more days than not, but I know it’s just their ages and hopefully they’ll grow out of it and be the best of friends in the future) kindest people I know.

Here’s to my eternal hope and belief that they will love and take care of each other in the future…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven