Category: Stress

Things You Need to Know, Child

“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.

Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.

Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.

So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?

On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.

All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.

I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:

1.      I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.

2.   Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.

3.      I make mistakes.  A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.

4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.

5.      If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you.  I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.

6.      Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.

7.      I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.

8.   I love you both equally, but differently.

9.   Birth order has something to do with it.

10.  I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.

11.   I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.

12.   I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.

13. Same for table manners.

14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.

15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.

But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.

You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.

16.   Brushing your teeth is actually really important.

17.   Take care of your bodies.  Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.

18.   My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.

19.   Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.

20.   I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF.  I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).

21.   The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes?  You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie.  My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.

22.   I will always have your back.  It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.

23.   You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to.  Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.

24.   I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.

My goodness, you two were, and still are, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven


Gratitude Raditude

“Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.” – Henry Ward Beecher

I don’t get a lot of opportunity to spend time alone in the car at this point in my life, but when I do, and it’s for more than 15 minutes, I’m listening to podcasts. Some of my favorites include You Are Not So Smart (because I like learning about how our brains mess with us), With Friends Like These (because I like hearing points of view that vary from mine in a respectful, non-hostile manner), Pod Save America (because I crave information and humor in and about our current political climate), and Freakonomics.

In case you are unfamiliar, Freakonomics basically takes apart, analyzes, and explains stuff. Like gender differences in the workplace, why people hate flying (and why they shouldn’t), how to be more productive, why you should get enough sleep, and one I listened to a couple of years ago, “Why Is My Life So Hard?”.

Among other things, it discusses the broad topic of gratitude. It’s not much of a secret that purposefully practicing gratitude, something as simple as a daily notation of something that one is grateful for, demonstrated benefits. Aside from just making sense, there is research that documents those benefits of gratitude, including improvements to relationships, physical health, mental health, self-esteem and sleep habits, as well as reduced aggression and heightened empathy.

So with all of those benefits, why isn’t EVERYONE practicing gratitude daily? Why is something so easy not widely practiced? Well, for one, our brains aren’t wired that way. In relation to the practice of gratitude, this Freakonomics episode discusses something called the “Headwinds/Tailwinds Asymetry”, which is also the title of a research paper published by a couple of really smart psychologists, Tom Gilovich and Shai Davidai.

The gist of headwinds/tailwinds asymmetry is that it’s easier for people to ignore the good things in their lives, to take them for granted (“tailwinds”), while giving more of their energy and attention to perceived obstacles and negatives in their lives (“headwinds”).

Why? Because we don’t have to pay attention to those things that make our lives good. We generally simply adapt our world view to make the good things part of the background, what is just assumed to be a part of our lives. Gilovich and Daviai call those “the invisibles”, the things that we can and should be grateful for, but often just don’t see.

This resonated with me, and I picked up a book, called “Micro-Resilience”, written by Bonnie St. John and Allen P. Haines. Chapter 4 is titled “Reframe Your Attitude”, which discusses the benefits of positive thinking and the science behind it, and provides suggestions and resources to help diminish negative thoughts and enhance positive ones, and how that can bring about actual change in one’s life.

All of this is to say that I am grateful (see what I did there?) that I have come across some resources that delve into the science of gratitude and positive thinking. Because, honestly it is something I struggle with; I’ve started and stopped what I intended to be a daily gratitude journal about 6 times. And each time, without fail, I have dropped it after my fifth non-consecutive entry of “I am grateful for coffee”.

I now recognize that it is far easier for me to overlook the importance of the “invisibles” in my life (e.g., my children have access to a quality education, I am able to afford a mortgage payment, I have single-stream recycling, I have internet access most of the time) than the perceived obstacles (e.g., everything that I wish I had more of, less of, or better than it is now).

So now I’m going to try to take a moment every day, or at least once or twice a week and really think about some of the apparent and invisible things I’m grateful for. And I’m not going to treat it as a self-inflicted obligation. I will attempt to recognize the tailwinds more, and not dwell so much on the headwinds. And just see what happens.

Grateful for this one (almost) every dang day…

Lastly, dear reader, I’d love to know if you practice gratitude regularly, how you do it, and if you get caught up in your headwinds.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

©thetwistedmaven.com 2019

Laugh After Wrath

“In the interest of keeping my sanity, I’ve been relying on bad jokes.”

“Just scream! You vent, and the body feels good after a good old yell.” – Carol Burnett

Okay, here’s the thing: I’ve been stuck in The BLAH for a few weeks now, and I am just done with it. I thought maybe writing about it would help, and it did, albeit temporarily.

I guess it’s partly the time of year, since it’s still all cold and dark and spring is still forever away. I’m also feeling kind of oldish, as I’ve recently realized that I recognize fewer and fewer “celebrities” listed in those stupid listicles that I JUST HAVE to read. Plus my back always kind of hurts and acid reflux is an enemy to be battled daily. And I really need to dust.

To be honest, a big contributing factor to my BLAH is current events and politics. The state of things have me thisclose to LOSING MY FRICKING MIND.

The glut of information we have at our fingertips is incredible. The glut of MISinformation we have at our fingertips is astounding. And the number of people who will share blatant falsehoods and then defend their bullshit to anyone who tries to correct them is infuriating. Some days it feels like everyone is yelling and angry all the time, and civil discourse between people who disagree has all but disappeared.

Look, I am totally guilty to falling down the rabbit hole of news outlets and social media posts. And recently, I’ve been especially guilty of consuming lots of news and opinions that make me furious. Which means I’ve been in an almost constant state of facepalming, punctuated by frequent bouts of dismay and anger.

Me, after spending three hours, or maybe just five minutes, on Twitter.

In the interest of keeping my sanity, aside from screaming into the void, I’ve decided it’s time to take a breath and look for the funny. I can always find memes that make me laugh, but recently, bad jokes have been what lifts my mood. Some call them “Dad Jokes”, but to be honest, I’m the one telling them in my household.

So, as a temporary distraction from news and politics, I offer you the following:

Dude 1: “Bro, you want to see, this pamphlet?” Dude 2: “Bro, sure”

What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.

What fish is just two sodium atoms? 2 Na

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I’m a cashew.

A cheetah and a lion race. The cheetah wins, and the lion says, “You’re a cheetah!”. The cheetah says, “Nah, you’re lion.”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!

The difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $2.00, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Finally, this favorite: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

That last one is legendairy.

Until next time…

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

This Thing I Call “The BLAH”

“While nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does, either.”

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“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, ‘It will be happier'” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

Oh, here it is, the New Year.  When everyone is over their holiday hangovers and food comas; joyful and/or tense celebrations with family are but an ever distant memory; and hey look, the 20 pounds of cheese and carbs consumed between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve has landed anywhere and everywhere between your chin and ankles.

Not only that, but if you live in most of the northern hemisphere, there’s snow, slush, grey skies, short days and cold weather. Which, if you’re one of those avid skiiers, snowboarders, or other lovers of winter weather, it might be fine.  But for the rest of us mortals, it pretty much sucks and we think you’re weirdos.

(side note: if you live someplace where snow, slush, grey skies and cold weather are non-existent, please invite me to stay with you for January through March sometime. I won’t charge you for my pleasure of my company, and I’ll even let you feed me)

I don’t know about you specifically, dear reader, but I do know that many people feel this sense of what could be termed as sadness, despair, or ennui…basically just an over all BLAH state of mind after the holidays.  Those of you who do feel this way, you need to know that it’s not just you, and I’m not saying this just to try to make you feel better or invalidate your mental and emotional state.  Rather, I’m saying this because I want you to know that I know.

I’d be a lying liar if I said that I’m feeling all rainbows and sunshine right now.  I am not without personal struggles.  I have them, and they’re not always easily solvable or insignificant. I do my best to deal with everything life throws my way with kindness and humor, but yes, of course there are days that I cry for hours and throw my hands up in desperation and struggle to put one foot in front of the other. And this time of the year tends to amplify my BLAH.

So here it is. No one should have to go through whatever shitstorm they’re experiencing alone.  It can take a giant amount of bravery to reach out for help, but if you’re hurting or in need, please please do so.  In the first draft of this post, I included a note to contact me if you need to vent, because I am a good listener.  However, I realized that might be a rather odd offer, and honestly, I just don’t have the emotional capacity or time to open my listening ears to just anyone. I’m sure you understand.  Besides, I don’t have many words of wisdom.  What I mostly have are funny memes, stupid jokes, and a lot of fucking swearing.

So if you’re feeling stuck in the BLAH, a great move would be for you to contact a close friend or family member, and just talk.  The people you know are likely far more willing than you realize to listen, and to help. And if you don’t have anyone with whom you can have this kind of discussion with, I’d encourage you to reach out to a professional who can help you work through your thoughts and emotions, and who has much better knowledge and methods in their toolbox than the fart jokes in mine.

Aside from reaching out to try to alleviate your own BLAH, you might want to  listen to who is reaching out to you.  You might just be someone else’s lifeline. And, according to science, helping others does increase our own happiness. I’d say that’s a win-win type of thing, yes?

Something I have learned throughout my journey thus far, is that sometimes we need to embrace the BLAH and go right through it. But there is no need to do it alone.

And at times, there is more knowledge and comfort in the clouds and rain than the sunniest of sunny days.

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      Because, without rain, how do we grow?

Last thought for this entry: remember that while nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does, either.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Dumb Stuff* My Kids Argue About

“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.”

*only I didn’t really say “Stuff”

“Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.” – Desmond Tutu

Dealing with your children when they’re fighting falls squarely in the middle of Mandatory Parental Experiences. It’s not the WORST worst thing, but it’s really super not fun. I frequently waffle between trying to mediate and letting them figure it out on their own. I realize that learning how to interact with other people, including arguing, is normal child and adolescent development. But once it reaches a certain volume or goes on for more than a few minutes, all I want is for them to STOP IT.

Now, I’m not so old that I’ve forgotten how rotten siblings can be to each other; I know harsh words and even blows were exchanged with and between my brothers when we were growing up, and the same for nearly everyone I know.  But of course, I expected that my own children would somehow, and mostly because they are being raised by ME, be nicer to each other.

So there’s one more delusion that got dashed against the rocks. I’m still learning to lower my expectations.

A while ago, I realized I spend a lot of time asking/pleading/begging/yelling for them to stop fighting. And so I started to keep track of all the dumb shit that they fight with each other about. Today, after a week and a half of their dumb shit over the holiday break, I’ve made my list and checked it twice.

When it comes down to what my kids fight about, there are two basic categories: General Dumb Shit and Specific Dumb Shit. I am hoping that at least some of this will sound familiar to at least some of you and you’ll reassure me that my kids and I aren’t the Absolute Worst. Please. Even if you have to fib a little.

General Dumb Shit My Kids Argue About:

Who gets more – according to each of my children, the other one gets more. More time with Mom and/or Dad, more time on electronics, more toys, more treats, more of everything and anything good in life.  I’ve had the discussion with the older one that she gets more and will always get more, because she was here first. And I’ve told the younger one that yes, her sister has had more ice cream, shoes, and attention in her life, simply because she’s four years older. However, statistically speaking, she should live longer than her sister, and therefore, she will be able to catch up with ice cream and shoes, pretty much everything but parental attention. Live with it, kiddo.

Who gets away with more – there are different expectations for each child, which are mostly age dependent.  So, if you’re 13 and call your sister a “stupid freak”, the repercussions are going to be more severe than if your 9 year old sister calls you the same name. Because at this point in time, when you say it, it sounds mean, but when she says it, I know it’s because she heard it from YOU. Get used to having higher expectations foisted upon you.  You’ll thank me when you’re older (I tell her that, with absolutely zero conviction that it will actually happen).

Who does more – another issue mainly rooted in birth order and related expectations. So yes, you’re 13 years old and you can do things like mow the lawn, make your bed, and help with basic tasks like dishes and laundry. Of course it’s more than I ask of your sister, because she’s four years younger than you. But think about it, I expect a lot more of her than I did of you at her age. Mainly because I’m tired.

Specific Dumb Shit My Kids Argue About:

Literally, three lego pieces out of the thousands that they have.  

The younger one wanting the same flavor lollipop as her sister, while the older one wants anything but the same flavor lollipop as her sister. Sometimes at the bank, but more likely, from the basket at the liquor store counter. Meanwhile, I throw three more bottles of wine plus a bottle of scotch into the cart.

Which one of them has worse breath.

Not wanting to share the sample slice of ham from the deli at the grocery store and then both getting super pissed at me when I get fed up and shove it in my mouth just to shut them up.

Wanting to be the first OR the last to shower, brush their teeth, get dressed, or brush their hair. Whichever one wants, the other wants just as much.

Table manners. One with a mouthful of food yelling at the other one to chew with her mouth closed. It’s precious.

Who is making us late to something. Because one couldn’t find her shoes, and the other one had to have a particular water bottle. Whoever actually ends up seated in the car with their seatbelt buckled claims victory, while the other one howls in protest. Because “it’s not fair”. Of course.

Games. Outside games, indoor games, board games, card games, video games. The battle cry of, “You’re cheating!!!” is the beginning of the inevitable end.

There are four blankets in the living room, and they fight over the ONE that they absolutely need in order to survive. Nevermind that it’s either August and approximately 75 degrees in the room or January and the heat is on and it’s approximately 75 degrees in the room.

Gatorade. Apparently the older one gets gallons more Gatorade, even though the younger one has…wait for it…a half full bottle of Gatorade that she was given 2 days ago, and never finished, in the fridge. Personally, I think Gatorade is gross and don’t want either of them to have it, except that…well, that gets filed under Dumb Shit Adults Argue About.

Alexa.  What in the actual crap was I thinking by getting an Echo? I don’t have any “smart” appliances or other household features, so I mostly use it to play music. But HOLY SHIT, am I sick of “Alexa, play Katy Perry Radio.”, “Alexa, play Jason Mraz Radio”, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ALEXA! PLAY KATY PERRY!!!”, “ALEXA, NEVER PLAY KATY PERRY AGAIN!!” Honestly, I’m surprised that Alexa hasn’t told these two to chill the fuck out.  I might put that on her to-do list.

Who is going to win “America’s Got Talent”, “The Voice”, “American Ninja Warrior”, “British Baking Champion”, or whatever other kind of mind-numbing competition show they are watching.

This shit when my back is turned:

  • Kid 2: Stop looking at me!
  • Kid 1: (mouthing) You’re a freak! (by the way, I can see this happening in the reflection of the microwave as I take a huge swig dainty sip of wine)
  • Kid 2: Moooooooooom, she called me a freak!
  • Me: (turning around) (in my head: could you just NOT be jerk to your sister for like, 5 minutes??) Aloud: Sweetie, please don’t call your sister names, it’s really not nice.
  • Kid 1: What? What? What did I do? I didn’t do anything!!!! You always blame me!!! Whyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!!??

Who was the one who didn’t flush the toilet. I’m the mom and I still know by scent and appearance which kid it was. I know, it’s gross. But I know.

Who is more like Hermione Granger.

Which one of them is my favorite.  This one, though, always makes me smile. Even though they’re squabbling, they start listing off all of the good things they each do, and every single way that they’re great.  Which is my in to grab them both, squeeze them tight, and tell them that, even though they fight, the one thing that is not up for debate or arguing is how much I love them both. Equally, and with my whole heart.

Because for all of the dumb and really dumb shit they fight about, they are still two of the smartest, funniest, energetic, creative and (mostly, except to each other more days than not, but I know it’s just their ages and hopefully they’ll grow out of it and be the best of friends in the future) kindest people I know.

Here’s to my eternal hope and belief that they will love and take care of each other in the future…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven