Knowledge Archives - The Twisted Maven

Don’t Pick Your Nose, Dummy

“Serious illness doesn’t bother me for long because I am too inhospitable a host.” – Albert Schweitzer

While I strive for all of my posts to be evergreen, this topic is just too new and timely to ensure that. However, I think it’s still pretty fricking important to lay down some facts, dispel some myths, and hopefully start a conversation.

Yes, I’m talking about COVID-19, aka The Corona Virus. In case you’ve been avoiding the news, which is somewhat understandable, or living under a rock, which is less understandable, allow me to offer you a brief history of the Corona Virus.

COVID-19, The Corona Virus, is also referred to as a novel, or new virus. It was first identified in Wuhan, Hubei Province, China in December 2019, and the virus is actually named SARS-CoV-2, with the resulting disease being what is widely called The Corona Virus.

Initially, it was thought that there was an animal-to-human spread of the virus, due to many of the initial patients having a link to a large seafood/animal market. However, as the virus has spread, it has been largely human-to-human transmission. And boy, how it has spread.

Globally, as of this posting, COVID-19 has been confirmed in 80+ countries throughout the world. The CDC is updating the list frequently for global confirmation of detections of COVID-19, as well as updating information related to COVID-19 in the United States at noon every Monday through Friday.

Of course, with anything that is happening that has a lot of unknowns, such as The Corona Virus, there will be conspiracy theories and idiotic hypotheses and myths that somehow, in this age of the internet, gain some traction. I’d like to share, and put a hard stop to, some of the more potentially harmful and/or ridiculous false information making the rounds:

You can protect yourself against The Corona Virus by gargling with bleach.
- OMG don’t do this. Ever. You could die.
You can catch Corona Virus by eating Chinese take-out.
- No, no you can’t.
You can make your own hand sanitizer with vodka.
- You need an alcohol content of 60% or more in your hand sanitizer to kill bacteria and germs. Most vodkas have 40% alcohol. Listen to the advice from Tito’s, and save your vodka to drink if you end up quarantined.
Other vaccines, such as the flu and pneumonia vaccines, will protect you against COVID-19.
- Different virus requires a different vaccine, which isn’t available yet. So, no.
You can catch Corona Virus from your pet.
- For fuck’s sake, NO.

To say that the highest levels of U.S. government have not really provided any substantial, comforting, factual or informative guidance would be a gross understatement. Yeah, I’m going to get a little political here. The people who should be leading our country and be concerned with the health and welfare of it’s citizens are instead grossly focusing perceived optics.

The President, while he did sign a bill allowing for $8.3 billion dedicated to COVID-19, I do have yet to see what that looks like. And he has made continual comments trying to throw doubt on the actual affects and potential consequences of the Corona Virus.

He doesn’t want a cruise ship with U.S. citizens aboard to be allowed to dock, because that would drive up the numbers of Corona Virus in the U.S. He put Vice President Pence in charge of the response to Corona Virus; a man who not only cannot be in a room with a woman he is not related to unsupervised, but also contributed to a HIV outbreak in Indiana when he was Governor there, due to his refusal to allow a safe needle exchange program.

And then, we have the awkward and angering public appearances by the President, desperately trying to get someone, anyone, to agree with him that a vaccine will be ready in weeks (it won’t), blaming an entire political party for Corona Virus, and undermining the factual statements of actual doctors and scientists.

I could go on for DAYS about how the U.S. federal government has totally mucked up the response to COVID-19, but I’ll stop there.

Personally, as a person who had a recent bout of pneumonia that has resulted in prolonged head and chest congestion and daily management of asthma symptoms, I am aware that COVID-19, the Corona Virus, could kill me. It’s unlikely, but it’s still a possibility.

So here’s what we do:

WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS.
- Often. All the time. With soap and water.
Capture your sneezes and coughs. Into a strong tissue or your elbow, facing AWAY from people.
Keep your hands OFF your face and your fingers OUT OF your nose.
DON’T PANIC and clear the shelves of your local grocery of TP and hand sanitizer.
DON’T take or steal shit from your doctor’s office, medical clinics, or the hospital. Don’t take face masks, hand sanitizer, or tissues without permission and definitely not if you don’t absolutely need them. Our medical professionals need access to those items more than you do.
Keep in touch with any neighbors, friends or family who are vulnerable, as well as organizations who serve those populations. Your stockpile of cleaning supplies could really help someone else out. Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities to help out with your overstock. I don’t believe in karma or good deed points getting you closer to heaven, but doing the right thing is a huge reward unto itself.
Be kind. Be patient, assume positive intent, and understand that things that you don’t consider a big deal could indeed be a very big deal to someone else. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

Lastly, just be safe. Be smart. Be aware. And yeah, WASH YA HANDS!!!

Until next time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

Nobody Told Me

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” – Confucius

There were so many things I didn’t know intuitively about doing this adult thing, and now that I’ve experienced a great deal of them, I find myself wishing I still didn’t know about some of them. While adding years to your life can bring some wonderful moments, increased wisdom, and additional inner peace, there are definitely some things that have happened along the way that have given me pause. And I don’t mean menopause.

I put the following question out to the universe recently: what weren’t you told about being an adult, that you wish someone, anyone, had prepared your for? The responses I received were equally humorous, poignant, thought-provoking and heartbreaking.

So let’s break it down, shall we?

General Adulting:

There are no “How To Grownup” preparatory classes in high school or college. When you’re growing up, you think Adulthood is this fantastic party where you can do WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want.

I remember a conversation with my college BFF during our Senior year; we were both like, wow, it will be great when we graduate and can get jobs and pay for stuff and don’t have to go to class and eat bologna sandwiches on stale bread and drink cheap beer. And that’s what we did; we exchanged late nights for early mornings, rent for mortgages, internships for careers, and the single life to looking around asking ourselves, when did THIS (careers, houses, spouses, kids, MINIVANS) all happen?

When you become an adult, you need to figure out, and do, ALL the things. You need to work out things such as how to manage your time and finances, how to socialize, how to advance your career, how to clean and cook and, you know, grown-up things.

If you own a car, you have to pay attention to maintenance and repairs. Blowing up your car engine, because you didn’t realize those oil change reminders actually meant something, is a really expensive lesson to learn.

The same goes for home ownership. I heard from people who were just astounded at the amount of time and expense that goes into simple maintenance, let alone anything extra. This is definitely an area that I was naive about, to the point of immense regret of thinking I could be solely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of an actual building and the land associated with it. The fact that the inside of my house generally looks like the aftermath of Armageddon is a consequence of kids and time/space management, and can be remedied relatively quickly. However, the faded front door color, the weed (not the good kind) garden I’ve nurtured via complete disregard, the kitchen drawers that stick, and the cobwebs that accumulate in the corners…just ugh.

Another thread of comments I received was about expectations vs. reality. The fact that a college degree does not, in fact, guarantee a person a decent income. Which is a double whammy when one has put themselves into a decade or two of student loan debt. Growing apart from friends that you thought would always be in your day-to-day existence. The wish that one had been encouraged to follow their heart, their dreams and their passions, instead of trying to conform to societal expectations. The realization that upon reaching adulthood, one does not, in fact, automatically get their shit together.

And then there’s the good things people didn’t know; like when you say “no” and nobody kills or even hates you, and you finally understand that that one word is an acceptable and absolute answer to many questions in life. Another one is the realization that it is reasonable and even respectable to re-invent yourself, start over, ask for a re-do; because life does not have to be the same-old, same-old once you turn 30, 50, 75, or beyond.

Marriage and Romantic Relationships:

Most of what I heard is that nobody tells you how freaking HARD it is to be married. That people change over time, and what may have brought two people together in their 20’s (or at any age) has absolutely no bearing on or relevance to who those two people are in their 30’s, 40’s, and beyond. The stressors, that no one thinks of when they’re planning their wedding, take so many people by surprise. Whether it’s having kids, having difficulty or not being able to have kids, one partner not wanting kids while the other wants them more than anything, career changes, leaving the workforce, relocation, or change of financial status, the list of potential big changes and challenges to a married couple goes on and on and on. There have been those couples who struggled and ultimately split up, those who have struggled and stayed together, those who have found true happiness the second time around, those who have lost their spouses to disease or accidents before they were ready, those who truly have never met their match, and those who have decided that marriage or other long-term relationships are just not for them.

A sub-topic of this that I got input about, that is even more complicated, is abusive relationships. Even the realization that one is in an abusive relationship can be astoundingly difficult to accept. I lack the expertise to weigh in on this topic, but I believe the person who stated that an abuser won’t change.

Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Post-Childbirth:

The farting. This definitely caught me by surprise, and I’m not the only one.

Hemorrhoids. As one friend put it, they’re not very funny when they’re attached to YOUR asshole.

The distraction. My squirrel brain, formerly rather orderly, came out full force when I was pregnant, and has never quite returned to it’s former calm sta-crap, I forgot to make lunches again. Is there any clean laundry? Where are my glasses? What is that smell?

Many women (and men) were not totally prepared for childbirth. When there is SO MUCH information out there, how is that even possible? My guess is that one can gather as much knowledge as humanly possible about every single kind of birth scenario, but our brains aren’t capable of preparing us for every single kind of birth scenario. This is why so many expectant parents make birth plans. We WANT things to be orderly and we WANT to be in control. And with giving birth, truly, anything can happen. How many of you, or friends of yours, have had emergency C-sections? Or were in active labor for hours and hours and hours, and then more hours? Almost gave birth before getting to the hospital or before the doctor, midwife, or doula arrived?

Personally, I was fortunate in that the events of birthing my two babies were relatively easy, albeit wildly different. One baby plodded out of my uterus on her own time, in an event that was calm, relatively pain-free (once I got that epidural!) and exactly as planned, but it seemed to take forever (okay, don’t hate me, but it was really only a matter of a few hours). My second baby arrived as many days early as her sister arrived late, and her arrival was more like Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining, making her entrance by bursting through and nearly demolishing the doorway, scaring the shit out of everybody, and leaving a bloody mess in her wake. But at least it was over quickly.

One of the biggest surprises of giving birth for some was the fact that they pushed out something extra along with a baby. For those of you who don’t know because you haven’t forced an entire human out your bajingo…just think about it for a sec. The birther is exerting herself beyond anything otherwise reasonable, and the entirety of her digestive system has been squished into any available space around this tiny human’s incubator. So, yeah, poop can, and does, happen.

One friend chose to tell me about it via a direct message. On which she inadvertently cc’d her daughter, the one who caused the birth poop. When my friend realized her mistake and was OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD-ing, I was literally on the floor, howling with laughter, and the Birth Poop daughter was completely nonplussed. My hope is that now she’ll be better prepared for childbirth that her mom was, should she ever find herself in that situation.

The fact that sneezing (or coughing, or jumping, or any sudden movements) are never quite conducted after giving birth (or after a woman turns 40, whichever comes first) without a moment of self-check in, and sometimes an awkward knees-and-thighs-squeezed-together sprint to the bathroom.

Parenting:

The input I got about this category was wide-ranging and substantial, so I’ve made a few sub-categories. Except the two categories which are Sleep and Going to the Bathroom Alone. Neither of those things happen once you give birth. They know and they will find you, in your deepest dreams or your most urgent need to use the toilet, with something absolutely earth shattering, like “Hi Mama, watcha doin?” or “Ma! Whats for dinner?”.

Parenting Little Boys: They pee everywhere. Except into the toilet. They feel the need to stretch their penises like taffy when they are toddlers. Boy pee has been sniffed out, felt, and cleaned up from the most unlikeliest of places

Parenting Little Girls: They scream a lot. Like a LOT a lot. And a lot of time is spent teaching daughters how to wipe themselves front to back (aka, don’t sweep the dirt back into the kitchen).

Parenting Bigger Boys: They still pee everywhere. And they can make you angrier than you ever thought possible. And can also make you prouder than you ever thought you could be.

Parenting Bigger Girls: They still scream a lot. And they can also make you angrier than you ever thought possible. And after the screaming is done, there are those hugs and tears as you pull them close and never want to let them go.

General Parenting (for all ages):

There is a LOT of guilt and fear.

Every stupid and inappropriate thing we say is repeated by our littles, usually at the worst moments possible. Like quoted verbatim, in front of my mother.

We all have moments when we realize that we have totally lost our former selves, and we decide to do something about that, or not.

We feel totally stupid trying to help with math homework.

We feel judged, no matter our situation. If you’re a SAHM, you feel the shade your working sisters are throwing your way; if you are a working mother, you feel the side-eye directed at you from the SAHMs because you aren’t involved enough with your kids’ school and extra-curricular activities (sidenote: those feelings of being judged are likely all in your head; most of the moms I know feel judged, but don’t judge).

You’ve felt real anger about a child that you know only by name whom you are convinced is tormenting your child. But then, you also wonder if you are doing enough to raise your child to be compassionate and kind, because what if they aren’t?

And oh…those times when you’re not sure if you’re cut out for this parenting gig, you’re not sure if you love them enough…and they do something that brings you to your knees with gratitude and the knowledge that yes, you are enough.

Aging/Getting Older:

Another category that I received a ton of feedback on. So here goes:

You reach the point where hangovers last days instead of hours.

You realize how dysfunctional your upbringing actually was.

You come to the painful understanding that adulthood can be extremely lonely.

You mentally still feel like you’ve barely graduated college, and here you are trying to work and spouse and parent, and you are wondering who actually thought it was a good idea for you to be trusted with this level of responsibility.

You have little or no tolerance for anyone’s bullshit, and you finally shed the expectations you thought were foisted upon you. And if it affects your friendships or family relationships, so be it.

Acknowledging not only the “firsts” but the “lasts”. As in, this is the last year in my 40’s. This is the last time I’m going to drop my kid off at elementary school. This is the last mortgage payment I’m going to make. This is the last year my child is going to believe in Santa Claus.

Aging in general comes with no manual. Injuries and inconveniences earlier in your life can come back with significant and limiting consequences. You may feel like you’re 35, but one look in the mirror tells you a very different story. Staring at your reflection and thinking that you look tired, and then realizing that this is just your look now (raises hand).

Having the responsibility of caring for and/or about your aging parents or grandparents. There is no tried-and-true guidance for making the tough decisions or dealing with inevitable declines that happen as our parents and grandparents grow old.

So there it is. Some of it, anyway. As for myself, I may never get this whole being a grownup thing totally nailed down, but it’s not for a lack of trying. And when I put my question out to the universe, I was amazed and encouraged by how many people experience the same thoughts and feelings.

So what about you? What resonated with you, and what can you tell me that no one told you about? Please feel free to leave a comment! And if you liked this post, please share!

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

© The Twisted Maven, 2019

Twisted Book Reviews

“If there is a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, you must be the one to write it.” – Toni Morrison

As a person who writes, and as a person who is fascinated by the human experience, there is little more precious to both of those interests than books. Aside from being alive and able to participate in both of those ventures, that is.

I have been blogging for several years, here and in other forums, passing along my opinions and truth and attempts at humor. But I’ve also been working for years on poor to mediocre poetry and bits and pieces of fiction that I am hoping to cobble into something publishable one day.

The one piece of advice that I have seen directed to aspiring authors, over and over and over again, from successful authors, advisors, editors and publishers: If you want to write, YOU MUST READ. A LOT.

Well guess what? I read. A lot. Not everyone does, and not everyone needs to, I suppose, although I wish everyone would.

I belonged to a book club once upon a time, made up mainly of women who belonged to a local country club, which I had neither the finances nor the desire to join. I was kind of shuttled through the back door by a couple of friends who knew I loved to read. And while I enjoyed the books and the wine and company…it just wasn’t quite my thing. Maybe it was because of my propensity for cursing and making inappropriate jokes… and to be honest, that was probably it, because that kind of stuff didn’t seem to fly with most of the ladies. Also, I didn’t get the references to their sandal or handbag designers, private schools, high end stores or country club gossip. I kind of felt like a novelty, like, Oh! Here’s L’s friend! The one who says “fuck” a lot! Isn’t she refreshing? Just, um…don’t engage her in too much conversation, especially if the kids are around, you know?

ANYWAY…after I birthed child #2, I dropped out of the book club, because I just couldn’t fit anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary in my life, so social engagements and volunteer work and anything besides work and kid stuff just had to go.

Now that my kids are older and I have a bit more time on my hands…no, I haven’t rejoined or joined any regular, in-person meeting, wine drinking and cheese consuming book clubs. I know there are clubs available through my local library and community, but really…I have learned to own my awkward and embrace the fact that I am just not comfortable going around asking to be part of things. But if I were to join another book club, it would have to be because I was extended an (preferably in cursive and hand-delivered) invitation to join a club that would provide someone with my personality a comfortable space, and to which I could be an equally contributing member.

That said, I do belong to a social media book group, which has helped me find some of the best books I’ve ever read, as well as providing me the ability to recommend, send and receive books with other members. This group also allows me to search, read and discuss books while sitting on my couch, in whatever I’m wearing, sans makeup or any other accoutrements. It’s social without social pressure. And yeah, I know, I need to get out of the house more often. You know I’m not going to extend myself, so send me an invite already. Or don’t. Cause I’m good sitting right here.

I needed to say all of that in order to get to this list. The Twisted Maven’s Partial List of Books Everyone Should Read and Why. Please peruse, and feel free to add your own opinions, recommendations, and invitations to join your book club (online or in person) below:

The Omnivore’s Dilemma – This book changed my entire relationship with food. Before this book, I gave zero fucks about the source of my food and barely understood the relationship between food and how the body uses it. Now, I do…give plenty of fucks about the source of my food and have a great understanding of how food=fuel. And how everyone should eat more plants.

The Storied Life of A.J. Fiskry – Oh goodness, what a story. I don’t know why, but I seem to be drawn to fiction about cranky older men connecting or reconnecting with their humanity and sensitivity. This is an unusual story about an unusual man, and thoroughly enjoyable.

The 100 year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Another piece of fiction about a cranky older, but really older, man. The main character is kind of like a Forest Gump, but Swiss, and therefore a lot of the history told through his experiences is very different from U.S. history.

11/22/63 – This was the first Stephen King novel I read, as I had long held the assumption that Mr. King was “just” a horror novelist who “just” wrote to appeal to the most pedestrian of readers. Turns out, I had missed a lot of amazing writing. This novel is long, includes a lot of historical events, and while yes, Mr. King is definitely King of the Macabre, he is a master of his trade as an author. This novel was so compelling and interesting and crazy and the work of a genius. I’ve since read several of his books, including “On Writing”, and have been thoroughly entertained, educated, shocked and inspired.

My Life on the Road – Gloria Steinhem has been the face of feminism since the 1960s, and has lead such an amazing life. The best parts of this book, for me, were her involvement in the feminist movement from the beginning, as well as her analysis of how our two main political parties have changed since the civil rights movement (spoiler alert: the “party of Lincoln” has been working up to their current iteration since getting evangelicals involved in the 1960s and 1970s).

On The Come Up – If you read or saw “The Hate U Give”, then you MUST read this book by Angela Davis. There is exactly zero that I can relate to personally with her character’s ages, environments and aspirations, but hell YES I can relate to the struggles of wanting to be a good human. And she gives such vivid descriptions about neighborhoods that are different but not so different from my own.

Dig – One of the best novels I’ve ever read. Period. It’s about family, youth, racism, death, fear, mysticism and love. I’ve never read a book quite like it, and I lack words to describe it, except that you should definitely read this book. And I want to take The Freak into my arms and love her forever.

Educated – I’ve seen a lot of comparisons to “The Glass Castle” with this book. And I could see the parallels in the first few chapters, but damn if things don’t get really fucked up, to the point where I don’t even know how any of the people in this memoir survived. Broader than “The Glass Castle” in the way it deals with personal complexities and individual conflicts.

The Last Reunion of the All Girl Filling Station – Fannie Flagg deserves so much credit than she’s been given as a storyteller, despite her name that makes my kids giggle. If you’re of a certain age, you certainly remember the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes”, based on a novel by Flagg. The book is better. And this book explores the complex relationships between mothers and daughters, family secrets, and the fortitude of women across the decades.

Lamb – One of my ALL TIME FAVORITE BOOKS. It’s the story of Jesus in the in-between years, as told by his best friend, Biff. Irreverent, to say the least. But it encompasses all religions and is laugh out loud funny in it’s attempt to explain what Jesus was up to between childhood and adulthood.

The Alchemist – just a classic tale about learning to follow your heart and listen to your dreams.

To Kill a Mockingbird – If one reads this book now, it’s still as chilling and suspenseful and entertaining as it was when it was published. Classic right vs. wrong, with losses on both sides, with the side of righteousness ultimately prevailing.

Mohawk – Richard Russo is another author that has tackled the worlds of cranky older men, as well as the worlds of disturbed youth and everyone caught in the middle. He is an amazing storyteller, and I will read everything he publishes at least twice. His ability to juxtapose real human feelings with horrific displays of human indifference is incredible.

I Know This Much is True – Wally Lamb is an excellent storyteller, and this tale of twin brothers rivals East of Eden by Steinbeck. Maybe I have a soft spot for Mr. Lamb because his books are set in Connecticut, but honestly, they are all incredibly far-reaching and epic and funny and heartbreaking.

The Handmaids Tale – Well, I suppose this book resonated with me, along with a gazillion other women in today’s society. It was shocking, unthinkable, but now an abstract scenario that takes up space in many women’s minds. Two things I’ve learned: one, I will be shipped off to The Colonies, and two, this novel was mainly directed at a dystopian nightmare that applies mainly to white women.

And the last book I’m going to mention is “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks”. Henrietta Lacks was a poor black woman who was dying, and whose cervical tissue cells were taken without her knowledge or permission in the 1950’s. Those cells, known as HeLa, have been duplicated and sold and used for really important scientific and medical advances, including vaccines, genetic studies, treatment of viruses, and human fertilization methods. However, her immediate family and descendants were not privy to the use or value of HeLa. This is an incredible tale of racial injustice, medical research and ethics, human suffering, medical triumph and serious moral debate.

All of these books, and so many more, have inspired me as an aspiring and actual writer, a human, and a lover of books. Please do comment with those books that have influenced you as any of the above.

“For a true writer, each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed.” – Ernest Hemingway

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven.

Middle Age Range Changes (or, what is this bullsh*t??)

“Evolving into a middle-aged person is quite interesting if we can understand what it means. I would like to think it meant being a bit sure of what I want.” – Dawn French

Before starting to write this piece, I researched the definition of “middle age”. One, to delineate an age range, and two, to make doubly sure that I actually fall into that category, being that I’m still solidly in my 40’s for a bit. Not a long bit, just a little bit, but still…a bit.

Now that I’m convinced by my research that I do, indeed, qualify as being middle aged, I started to ponder what differentiates my age bracket from my past (“young adult”) and future (“senior citizen”) classifications.

This whole train of thought was brought about by my last visit to my optometrist. When I turned 40, he told me that I could expect my eyesight to degenerate, and soon. At that point, I only needed glasses for distance, and the prescription was mild.

I thought I was defying the aging process for several years after that visit, because my eyesight barely changed. Then, the day of reckoning came with respect to my eyesight, along with my 30th High School reunion. Hence the pondering about middle age, and the recognition that I’m experiencing things that pretty much define middle age.

So here is my more or less comprehensive list of the kind of bullshit that goes on once one reaches a certain age:

My eyesight went from pretty good to holding everything at arms’ length in order to read it or squinting.
And I mean everything; school forms, prescription bottles, menus, books, everything.
I now wear “progressive lenses” in my glasses, which means that I can now see the car dashboard and read street signs simultaneously. But it also means I have to tilt my head dramatically downward in order to walk down the stairs without falling. And my chins have some issues with that.
I’ve noticed I’ve been saying “what?” a lot more frequently. I don’t know if that’s because I attended concerts in my youth with no regard for protecting my hearing, worked around loud machinery for a number of years without earplugs, or if I just don’t care about most of what is happening around me until I realize that I might have missed some crucial information.
My daughter is now taller than me and my mother is now shorter than me.
I realized while on vacation and wearing a bathing suit every day, I don’t have much body hair to deal with anymore. I also realized that it could totally be my failing eyes tricking me. So, um, I’m sorry if it looks like I’m storing squirrels under my arms. I can’t get an arms length away to see what’s actually going on there.
The above also came with the realization that most of the hair on my body seems to have migrated to my chin.
I’m fortunate enough to have a best friend who pointed me to products to take care of said chin hair.
Also, I’ve reached the point in my life where a little body hair doesn’t bother me, especially now that I seem (again, could be due to degrading eyesight) to have less of it. And once late October comes, that razor gets tossed out of the window. I live in New England, I need all the warmth I can get.
The chances of me peeing a little bit when I cough, laugh or sneeze are pretty high.
When I google any kind of malaise I’m feeling, it always points to cancer, lupus, allergies, and/or death.
I don’t go to the doctor unless my google searches point to cancer, lupus, allergies, and/or death…but only if death seems especially imminent.
Moving from sitting on the floor to standing requires some sort of mental preparation and vocal self-encouragement.
I’m tired all of the time, and yet, I can’t sleep.
Related, caffeine is an absolute necessity immediately upon starting my day, otherwise I will stare blankly into space in a semi-conscious state. Until said caffeine is consumed and takes effect.
Are these hot flashes or is everywhere exceptionally warm, all the time? I’m not sure.
I grouse about a lot of things now, like how fast people drive, how loud a neighbor is, taxes, and “kids today”.
Smelling babies is a perfectly acceptable activity.
The fear of encountering dangerous wildlife, including bears, ticks, spiders, bugs, skunks, turkeys, geese, flying assholes that sting, teenagers and rattlesnakes, anywhere outside of my home, has become a thing.
As has the untimely or maybe timely illnesses and deaths of peers and their parents. As a friend put it recently, “I guess we are just at that age where people start dying.” It’s not a pleasant thing, it’s actually an awful thing, but yet…it’s a thing.

And the list can go on, of course. But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that I have more love and kindness in my heart than I ever dreamed possible during my younger years. And that I care more deeply about social and political issues now than I did even 10 years ago.

I’ve gone from the abstract thought 20 years ago that maybe I’d be a good parent, to actively trying, every day, to achieve that goal; and I strive to be a good role model and affect the world in a positive way as a mentor and coach and teacher, and in just trying to be a good human.

In that vein, I’ve also accepted that I’m flawed and have some issues and baggage, some of which are of my own creation, but all of which are mine to deal with.

And perhaps most importantly, I’ve realized that objects and money and status was never a goal of mine; rather, what I give is so much more important than what I get. What I do, NOT what I own, is what truly matters to me.

While the younger version of me might never have understood those thoughts and concepts, I hope that the older version of me will be proud and satisfied with my decisions in this middle age.

At least during the moments when I’m not screaming at people to GET OFF MY LAWN!

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

Fare Thee Well!

Moving on from Middle School is the Best Thing Ever.

This celebration is but a few years away…

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Seneca

An Open Letter to My Daughter Upon the End of Middle School That Probably Applies to a Lot of Kids This Age:

You did it, my dear. You made it through what most adults in our culture look back on and shiver with discomfort: The Middle School Years.

For most, 8th grade is/was the apex of awkwardness and angst. There’s these new gangly arms and legs that can cause a 13 year old to move like a newborn fawn, unsteady and with all limbs moving in different directions. Along with the feet and chins and noses that are suddenly out of proportion on everyone, the braces that make smiles look more like grimaces, and the dreaded acne breakouts.

And, oh…the daily embarrassment of simply existing. The absolute conviction that everything one says is unforgivably dumb and will be ridiculed in the most loud and public manner. The knowledge that everyone else is cool, confident and worry-free, so comfortable in their own skin, unconcerned about what anyone else says or thinks.

Guess what? Nearly everyone feels the same way, they just express it differently. Some try to shrink into the background, some try to overcompensate, some hide behind facades of their own construction, whether those facades project confidence, cruelty, or something in between.

Here’s what you may not realize; aside from all the super weird and challenging physical and emotional changes you’ve experienced, you have also learned a metric shitton. Yes, that’s a technical term, don’t question me.

Academically, you’ve effectively learned a second language; you’ve learned mathematical equations; you’ve learned about technology, history, grammar, science and well being. Your knowledge base is solid, and you will, going forward, build upon that base.

Socially, you’ve established a fluid base of friends. Friendships will wax and wane over the next few years, but you already know who is going to remain at your core, who has your back, who makes you laugh, who gets you, and vice versa.

Athletically, you have brought your game to a different level. You want to run, you want to bike, you want to play, and you want to compete. YOU were instrumental in your tourney games and getting your team to state championship. The players who tear up the field and score and play well offensively tend to get most of the glory, which is not undeserved. But you are bold and solid on defense, and I know that’s where you’re most comfortable. You play smart, you play physical, and watching you on the basketball court and lacrosse field brings me so much pride. You play with heart and ferocity. You didn’t learn that from me, it comes from within you, and it’s amazing.

I know you have your negative opinions about yourself, your struggles, your moments of anxiety and self-doubt. I know I will likely see less of you over the next few years, and you will share less with me, as you establish your confidants and social circle.

What you need to understand is that I am bound and determined to see you through to adulthood, and to make sure you are happy, safe, kind, productive and secure in the knowledge that you are loved. I have told you that this is my mission since you were a little child, and I mean even more now than I did then.

I make a lot of mistakes, every freaking day. I try to own them, with the thought that I am leading by example. What I won’t do, is apologize for who I am, in any given moment, which is also what I want to pass along to you. This lack of remorse on my part basically means that the sooner you accept and embrace me, the fewer struggles we will have. Just let me hug you every once in a while, okay? I know I’m uncool and dorky and embarrassing, and I’m okay with that.

So you can roll your eyes when I tell you I love you, you can make fun of me about all the things you think I don’t know. You can think and say out loud that I’m old and I understand nothing. But I’ll also be here to surprise you with the things I DO know; so when you snicker at some small reference and I ask you, “What?”, don’t assume it’s because I don’t understand…I’m testing you, to see if YOU understand.

But when it comes down to it, I know what I need to know. I know I birthed not one, but two future legends. I know you have great potential for success, as long as you don’t trip yourself up. Even if you do stumble, you can rise with the knowledge that I am always here and always have your back.

Also, because I need to include this in every single conversation we have, even if I’m the only one talking: you need to be nicer to your sister. She is your biggest supporter and most enthusiastic cheerleader. She takes whatever you say as solid truth, over anything I might say or do to convince her otherwise. So choose your words carefully, and understand your power to influence.

Lastly, I’m proud of you. I know you feel like middle school kind of sucked, but I hope you will hold onto the good memories that you made while there. You had some outstanding teachers who helped you ignite your desire to learn and excel academically. You achieved great things athletically as well.

The onset of the teen years is super not fun for either the teens or the parents, but I hope you know that I’m doing my best to navigate this territory. I understand when you don’t want to talk to me and when you don’t even want me in the same hemisphere, and I do my best to give you your space. I appreciate the moments when we have honest and candid conversations, because you are an amazing child, growing into an even more amazing person, who has so much to offer this world.

I promise the next few years will be challenging, but also rewarding. You really did make it through the toughest time, and it’s now your time to build upon your skills and knowledge as you journey on the inevitable path to adulthood. I believe in you, and I hope that in your times of both great triumph and struggle, you can feel me behind you, supporting you, whispering, “You can do it.”

Because you can, and you will.

I love you most.

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven (aka Mama)