Adulting Archives - The Twisted Maven

Things to do While You Stay the F**k at Home (to keep your sanity and yourself and your loved ones safe)

What is there not to get? Stay the f**k at home!

“Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.” – William Shakespeare

There are strange times.

I haven’t left the house in sevenfortyteenpotato weeks, except to stock my parent’s fridge and pantry before they returned from Florida, and a couple of Sunday drives. I’m exhausted, my roots now indicate that I am WAY more grey than I thought I was, my hands are red and raw from constant washing, I eat a lot of snacks, and ooof, my poor liver. At least two of those things were already going on before COVID-19. I’ll leave it to you to guess which two.

So you could say that it’s been pretty serious between me and this whole shelter-in-place/self-quarantine/social distancing thing. So serious, in fact, that I have been REALLY frustrated with people flouting the requirements and recommendations coming our way daily.

I saw a little piece on social media about not judging people who are just trying to go about their normal lives in order to save their sanity during this pandemic. Something about some lady who needs to buy something non-essential so she’s not depressed, and something else about some guy who needs to buy something else non-essential so he doesn’t drink, something about don’t judge people who are trying to cope by going out and doing completely unnecessary things and risking the health and well-being of everyone they come in contact with, and themselves.

I commented; maybe I shouldn’t have, and usually I don’t, but I did. I respectfully disagreed (well, I SAID I respectfully disagreed, anyway), and noted that there is hardly anything that people cannot buy online during this time, and that there are so many other things to do besides going out and shopping for things that aren’t critical to survival. I suggested reading, walking in the woods, contacting family via Skype or Zoom or FaceTime, learning a new skill by watching videos online, getting virtual therapy, etc. My main point being that going out and about shopping for things is selfish and dangerous.

Holy moly, did I get blasted. How dare I! The responses mostly brought up grocery shopping, which I was definitely not referring to. I was accused of privileged thinking, because some people may not have the means to buy goods online. Someone replied that, hardly anyone in their town has been diagnosed and no one has died, so even though they’re immuno-compromised, they were going to continue go out and do will make them happy. And of course the guy who simply said: Jennifer, that’s BS. While I’m not exactly sure what he meant by that, I’ll just say YOU’RE BS, Mark. Whatever.

Lots of I/me/mine in those responses. Which kind of proved my point. Look, I am finding this just as difficult, heartbreaking, frightening and frustrating as anyone else. Has this taken a toll on my mental health? Is it difficult? Do want to curl up into a ball and not surface until this is all over? Yes, yes and YES. However, what I’m *not* going to do is go out into the world to do unnecessary things in an attempt to make myself “feel better”. I’m staying home, doing whatever I can do to cope, because the risks exponentially outweigh the benefits.

I did some thinking, some research, and came up with a small list of things one can do to occupy any free time* they may have instead of leaving the house and endangering themselves, their loved ones, and complete strangers.

*I understand that many, many people don’t actually have more free time right now, they have less (myself included). Maybe some of these activities would occupy your kids when they finish their remote learning by 2pm and you have a work deadline, or when you find yourself itching to get back to your weekend Bed Bath and Beyond/Home Depot/Target runs.

Sleep. Not an easy option for parents of young kids, but for the rest of us? Take that nap! Sleep in! Go to bed early instead of forcing yourself to tackle that one more task!
Listen to podcasts while you’re cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, staring into space waiting for this all to be over. Some of my favorites include:
- You Are Not So Smart
- How To (with Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit)
- Anything from Crooked Media, including Pod Save America, With Friends Like These, and Lovett or Leave It. (Qualifier: these are mostly political podcasts that lean heavily left, but if that’s your jam, then you will find them as equally informative and amusing as I do.)
- ologies
- Stuff You Should Know
Clean up your emails. As of the moment that I am typing this, I have 66,669 unread emails in my main personal account. So if you have sent me an email to my yahoo account at any point in the past 5 years, and I haven’t responded, you might want to resend. Also, I will, at some point, take the time to unsubscribe and delete stuff.
Spoil yo’self. I know I’m talking to a specific demographic here, but you know the hand treatments, facemasks, bathbombs, nail polishes, hair dyes, foot lotions, makeup you’ve bought but never used? USE THEM. Well, check the expiry dates first…although I’ve found that those are generally just a suggestion.
Color. Remember a couple of years ago when adult coloring became a thing? If you do, then you likely have a coloring book or two, plus some markers or colored pencils or crayons sitting on a shelf or in a closet somewhere. It is a soothing activity, almost meditative if you allow it to be. Also, you can find all sorts of free coloring pages on the internet, if you have access to a printer! Check out Crayola’s site for coloring pages for kids, Just Color for pages for older kids/adults, or hit up Pinterest.
Since we’re pretty much not allowed to go anywhere, what better time to plan your dream vacation? My favorite travel blog is We3Travel; it not only covers the usual family destinations, but it’s got TONS of information on unique destinations. It’s also got gorgeous photography, honest reviews, must-see/do/eat lists, trips by type (e.g., Mother-Daughter trips, Family trips), links to other travel sites AND a free downloadable vacation planner for kids. Incorporate geography and social studies into your children’s remote learning, without them even knowing it!
Are you a reader? Goodreads is a treasure trove of book lists, reviews, and connection to other bibliophiles. Prefer e-books? Check out BookBub for daily deals, recommendations, and author updates and info. Some of the books they offer daily deals on are as low as FREE, hello! Chirp is the same concept, but for audiobooks. Your local library also likely has e-book borrowing.
PURGE! Tackle one room at a time, and decide what to keep, what to donate, what to recycle and what to toss. Click here for my take on purging and organizing.
Learn a new language or brush up on your high school French. Duolingo is one of the most popular free online language learning platforms and is widely used even by schools so kids can practice at home. Bilingua is also a free platform, which operates as a “language exchange”, pairing up people who want to learn each other’s languages. If you want to invest in language learning software, there is also Rosetta Stone, which has price points ranging from around $10/month for 2-years of access to $299 for unlimited, unending access.
Bummed that your favorite personal athletic events are being cancelled all over the place? Some race organizers have transitioned to a virtual platform, where you will still receive your bib and bling, but you have to self-report. Other venues are offering highly discounted or free virtual races.
Do good deeds. Check in on an elderly neighbor. Draw/write positive messages on your driveway or sidewalk. Sew facemasks for medical workers. Support restaurants by ordering takeout and tip generously. Donate to local non-profits, who are being hit really hard during this time.

Coloring page courtesy of Girls on the Run International; awesome coloring job by yours truly.

Lastly, just stay home as much as humanly possible. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we get through this. What I’m saying is, don’t be a selfish turd. Stay safe, stay healthy, STAY HOME!!!

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe

The Twisted Maven

©The Twisted Maven, 2020

Puppy Love

“Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.” – Agnes Sligh Turnbull

Once upon a time, I met a guy, we fell in love, bought a house, and decided to take the next natural, albeit huge, step in our relationship.

We decided to adopt a dog. Well, look into adopting a dog, anyway. We planned on doing some window shopping at the Connecticut Humane Society. My then-boyfriend (now-husband), who has tried to convince himself for the 20+ years that we’ve been together that he is somehow in charge of things, made me repeat after him, “We are NOT getting a dog today. We are JUST looking.”

We were greeted by the friendly crew at the Humane Society and offered the chance to see the dogs and cats they had available for adoption. I saw one dog that I fell in love with right away; she reminded me of my very first dog, Ruby. Ruby was a beagle/collie mix, with a long snout and floppy ears and a beautiful soft coat and a similarly beautiful temperament. This dog looked so similar to Ruby and I just knew she was destined to be my new best friend.

We kept walking and looking, but none of the other dogs we saw really grabbed me. Then I saw a scrappy looking dog, with a wiry coat of black and grey fur, with some unusual brown striping. She was smallish, with these really intelligent eyes. She walked up to the door of her kennel, and when I said crouched down to say hi and offered her my hand, she looked at me with those wise eyes and gave me a tentative sniff and a gentle lick.

While my heart was still pulling me to the New Ruby, we asked if we could spend a few minutes with this particular pup. The Humane Society worker brought us into an office equipped with a desk, chair, computer and a couple of chairs, with a concrete floor and cinderblock walls. As I remember it, we were asked some questions and given some information. They asked if this dog would be the only other member of our family, because, as an energetic terrier, she needed to be. We weren’t even married yet, and truly hadn’t decided if we wanted children, so we shrugged and said, sure. They brought her in, and then left and closed the door behind them.

The sweet, shy dog who gave me the puppy dog eyes and sweetly licked my hand became a complete maniac the second that door closed. She started running between us, crashing into the walls, jumping on all of the furniture, tongue hanging out, refusing to be calmed, and then took a giant crap in the middle of the floor.

We looked at each other, wide-eyed, with this little Tasmanian devil of a dog bouncing between us, and started laughing. I shrugged, and said, well, she picked me…

We finished the interview process, during which we were assured that she would calm down once she was in a stable environment, and would certainly never be bigger than 35 pounds or so (this is what they call foreshadowing, folks), and we took our new pup and went on our way.

We decided to name her Ashley. Actually, I decided to name her Ashley, after my childhood best friend. See how “in charge” he is?

One of the first things a friend said, was “Look at the size of her paws, they’re HUGE. And she kind of looks like an Irish Wolfhound.” I was like, oh ha ha, you’re so funny. They TOLD US she was not going to grow much more. Plus, they called her a TERRIER.

Fast forward a year. Ashley never got the hang of leash walking, but loved other dogs, our friends and family, and tearing around the yard. She had also almost tripled in size, and going from 25 to 70 pounds, all long legs and muscle.

She had her favorites, for sure. She would greet the people she loved most at the door by running at us, full speed, grinning and snorting. Most of the time, we were able to dodge her assault and save our knees, which meant that she would go crashing headlong into the door.

Ashley truly lived as if she were a tiny dog; she charged and leapt at everything and everybody, leading to her nickname, “Smashley”. I called her Ashley Underfoot, because wherever I was, so was she, looking for belly rubs and snacks.

Ashley changed a bit once the kids came along. She was no longer everybody’s friend, and became quite protective of me and the girls. She didn’t want to know anyone she didn’t already know, and made that very clear.

With one, and then two young kids, I didn’t have the patience or time that I used to have with Ashley; she sunk all the way to the bottom of my priority list, and I considered her, more than once, quite a nuisance. We could no longer have people over without confining her, because she would either knock little ones over with her enthusiasm, or act hostile. The very worst moment came when Ashley met my future sister-in-law, who at one time worked in an actual zoo, and was very comfortable around animals of all kinds. She bent down to greet Ashley, at the very same moment Ashley leapt up to gave her a warning, and teeth met face. I was devastated and humiliated, my brother (rightly so) was completely pissed, but my SIL-to-be handled the incident with grace, aplomb, and forgiveness. To this day, if it ever comes up in conversation, she still treats it as no big deal.

But aside from the occasion that Ashley’s behavior needed to be managed, life continued along as usual. She never made the slightest hostile move toward my kids, she was always gentle with them and patiently waited by their chairs for them to drop food. She continued to curl up beneath my husband’s feet in his home office, wipe her face on the couches after she ate, charge the door at full speed, snorting and grinning, when it opened, startle herself when farting, eating anything she could manage to get to when no one was looking (which included an entire bowl of wrapped chocolates, all of the grease in the bottom of the turkey pan at Thanksgiving, half of a gingerbread house that had been painstakingly assembled by a 6 year old, and untold amounts of food that had fallen to the floor or were just lying on the table), and barking at every passing person, vehicle, squirrel and leaf blowing across the lawn.

And the years went on. Ashley continued to be a pain in the ass, but she was MY pain in the ass. I resigned myself to the fact that she was going to be with us for a long, long time, because mutt.

And of course, the inevitable. She was peculiarly low energy for a couple of days, but bounced back with a vengeance. Never lost her appetite, just seemed kind of…tired. Those eyes of hers locked with mine at me on a Friday afternoon, so I sat down on the floor and she scooted forward and put as much of herself as she could onto my lap. I snuggled her, which actually hadn’t happened for awhile between us (not to worry, she got plenty of loving from the kids). Then she seemed fine.

And then she wasn’t. Turned out that Ashley’s insides were riddled with cancer, which she had likely lived with for a while, until she just couldn’t any longer. She hung on to protect us, to love us, and to be loved by us. It wasn’t until that one particular week that she gave any indication that something was wrong.

As much as I grumbled that this dog was never going to die, she did. Well before I was ready. It’s been years, and sometimes, when I open the door, I find myself stopping for that split second, waiting to hear her paws scrabbling on the floor, waiting to see that silly grin, waiting to smell her breath and all her dogginess coming at me.

She lives on my mantel (well, her remains do); the cremation service also took a plaster paw print. Which, upon inspection, contained a tuft of her paw hair. Which just grossed me out to no end. I couldn’t throw it out, so that canister lives somewhere buried in the attic.

Since Ashley died, whenever the topic of getting another dog has come up, my stock response was that I wasn’t ready. The level of emotional pain I experienced when she died took me by surprise. That it also caused my kids pain just compounded my focus on the feelings of loss and sorrow that seem to be the inevitable part of being a pet owner.

All this to say, I’ve been feeling the pull lately. My two kids are now tween and teen-aged. The house is quieter, calmer. I feel it; this home is missing a dog. And my focus has shifted; yes, it was so painful to lose Ashley. But there were also those 12 years of joy, amusement, play, snuggles, care, and love.

Which, finally, brings me to my quest for information, and I’m hoping that you all can help me out. Currently, I live on a busy through-street with no sidewalks and barely a shoulder, and people drive by in excess of 10-20 mph over the speed limit. Cause people are jerks. My yard isn’t fenced and backs up to several acres of woods, which contain deer, bears, bobcats, foxes, coyotes, and probably Freddy Krueger. One of the things that I really feel like I failed at with Ashley was the ability to get her enough exercise, because she was a big dog with so much energy to expend.

So I suppose what I’m looking for is a smallish, medium energy dog, who doesn’t shed too much and has a calm and friendly disposition. I’m not looking for a purebred, and I’m not opposed to a senior dog, although I would prefer a younger dog, but maybe not a puppy? Is that like asking for a unicorn? I really don’t know. And cost…for perspective, when Ashley was adopted, it was $65, which included first round vaccines and spaying. From that to a fee of $350 or more that I see on some websites just gives me pause. However, I acknowledge that I am completely ignorant regarding the current structure and cost of running rescue/shelter organizations.

So please, educate me. What are your favorite organizations? What type of dog or mutt mix do you favor or recommend? What should I be wary of? Do you have preferred training methods or resources? What is a reasonable cost for adoption, and what level is too low or too high?

My brain can’t imagine loving a four-legged creature more or even as much as I loved Ashley. But my heart feels like it’s ready to do just that.

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe

The Twisted Maven

©The Twisted Maven, 2020

Don’t Pick Your Nose, Dummy

“Serious illness doesn’t bother me for long because I am too inhospitable a host.” – Albert Schweitzer

While I strive for all of my posts to be evergreen, this topic is just too new and timely to ensure that. However, I think it’s still pretty fricking important to lay down some facts, dispel some myths, and hopefully start a conversation.

Yes, I’m talking about COVID-19, aka The Corona Virus. In case you’ve been avoiding the news, which is somewhat understandable, or living under a rock, which is less understandable, allow me to offer you a brief history of the Corona Virus.

COVID-19, The Corona Virus, is also referred to as a novel, or new virus. It was first identified in Wuhan, Hubei Province, China in December 2019, and the virus is actually named SARS-CoV-2, with the resulting disease being what is widely called The Corona Virus.

Initially, it was thought that there was an animal-to-human spread of the virus, due to many of the initial patients having a link to a large seafood/animal market. However, as the virus has spread, it has been largely human-to-human transmission. And boy, how it has spread.

Globally, as of this posting, COVID-19 has been confirmed in 80+ countries throughout the world. The CDC is updating the list frequently for global confirmation of detections of COVID-19, as well as updating information related to COVID-19 in the United States at noon every Monday through Friday.

Of course, with anything that is happening that has a lot of unknowns, such as The Corona Virus, there will be conspiracy theories and idiotic hypotheses and myths that somehow, in this age of the internet, gain some traction. I’d like to share, and put a hard stop to, some of the more potentially harmful and/or ridiculous false information making the rounds:

You can protect yourself against The Corona Virus by gargling with bleach.
- OMG don’t do this. Ever. You could die.
You can catch Corona Virus by eating Chinese take-out.
- No, no you can’t.
You can make your own hand sanitizer with vodka.
- You need an alcohol content of 60% or more in your hand sanitizer to kill bacteria and germs. Most vodkas have 40% alcohol. Listen to the advice from Tito’s, and save your vodka to drink if you end up quarantined.
Other vaccines, such as the flu and pneumonia vaccines, will protect you against COVID-19.
- Different virus requires a different vaccine, which isn’t available yet. So, no.
You can catch Corona Virus from your pet.
- For fuck’s sake, NO.

To say that the highest levels of U.S. government have not really provided any substantial, comforting, factual or informative guidance would be a gross understatement. Yeah, I’m going to get a little political here. The people who should be leading our country and be concerned with the health and welfare of it’s citizens are instead grossly focusing perceived optics.

The President, while he did sign a bill allowing for $8.3 billion dedicated to COVID-19, I do have yet to see what that looks like. And he has made continual comments trying to throw doubt on the actual affects and potential consequences of the Corona Virus.

He doesn’t want a cruise ship with U.S. citizens aboard to be allowed to dock, because that would drive up the numbers of Corona Virus in the U.S. He put Vice President Pence in charge of the response to Corona Virus; a man who not only cannot be in a room with a woman he is not related to unsupervised, but also contributed to a HIV outbreak in Indiana when he was Governor there, due to his refusal to allow a safe needle exchange program.

And then, we have the awkward and angering public appearances by the President, desperately trying to get someone, anyone, to agree with him that a vaccine will be ready in weeks (it won’t), blaming an entire political party for Corona Virus, and undermining the factual statements of actual doctors and scientists.

I could go on for DAYS about how the U.S. federal government has totally mucked up the response to COVID-19, but I’ll stop there.

Personally, as a person who had a recent bout of pneumonia that has resulted in prolonged head and chest congestion and daily management of asthma symptoms, I am aware that COVID-19, the Corona Virus, could kill me. It’s unlikely, but it’s still a possibility.

So here’s what we do:

WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS.
- Often. All the time. With soap and water.
Capture your sneezes and coughs. Into a strong tissue or your elbow, facing AWAY from people.
Keep your hands OFF your face and your fingers OUT OF your nose.
DON’T PANIC and clear the shelves of your local grocery of TP and hand sanitizer.
DON’T take or steal shit from your doctor’s office, medical clinics, or the hospital. Don’t take face masks, hand sanitizer, or tissues without permission and definitely not if you don’t absolutely need them. Our medical professionals need access to those items more than you do.
Keep in touch with any neighbors, friends or family who are vulnerable, as well as organizations who serve those populations. Your stockpile of cleaning supplies could really help someone else out. Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities to help out with your overstock. I don’t believe in karma or good deed points getting you closer to heaven, but doing the right thing is a huge reward unto itself.
Be kind. Be patient, assume positive intent, and understand that things that you don’t consider a big deal could indeed be a very big deal to someone else. In other words, don’t be an asshole.

Lastly, just be safe. Be smart. Be aware. And yeah, WASH YA HANDS!!!

Until next time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

New Year New…Ah, Nevermind.

Pretty accurate representation of how I looked most of January 2020.

“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” – Ogden Nash

I know, it’s ~~the end of January~~ already the middle of February and here I am mentioning the “New Year”. I also know it’s been more than two months since my last post, which can be akin to a death knell for a blog.

But not to worry. I’m still here, still thinking, ranting, working, doing shit, and even writing.

And this is all despite a super crappy beginning to 2020, which has left me anywhere from 2 to 300 weeks behind on any and everything on my to-do list.

How crappy was the beginning of the year? Well, let me tell you. The first few days of 2020 started out okay, winter break ended, the kids went back to school after we managed not to inflict any permanent damage upon each other. And then…(insert dramatic swell of music here)

I got a cold on January 3rd. Or what I thought was a cold. A really BAD cold. Sneezing and coughing and snotting SO MUCH. Aches. Slight fever. Fatigue. The flu? Maybe. I decided the best thing I could do was rest and stay away from humanity for a couple of days. And see if a hot toddy or three would help.

Things seemed to be improving by Monday morning. I was able to get up, work, do laundry and function semi-normally. And then (insert an even more intense dramatic swell here)…

I tanked, and badly, by the end of the day. After repeating that Mom Mantra of “I’M FINE” for several hours, I reluctantly agreed to go to urgent care. The rest of my family was kind of excited because they were going to the Moe’s next door for burritos. I exacted my revenge on them by swiping a pen from the urgent care reception desk. I mean, the receptionist said I could keep it after I coughed all over it, and I figured it would be rude to not accept. (side note: there will be more on my infatuation with and collection of free pens at a later date).

My evaluation revealed that I, in fact, had pneumonia. Which I was verrrrrry skeptical about. I’ve gotten colds and bronchitis and that kind of crap, but pneumonia? For reals?? While I was yeah yeah, ok’ing the doctor, I insisted for the 27th time that day that I was FINE. And I was too busy to have pneumonia! I have work and bathrooms to clean and a writing workshop to attend tomorrow, so this pneumonia would have to just go away and leave me alone.

The doctor laughed at me and said, you’re not going to feel like doing anything. Cancel all your plans for the rest of the week, and maybe next week as well.

She wasn’t kidding. By the next morning, when I thought I should be feeling better, I instead felt like I had been slammed to the ground, beaten up, and knifed through my abdomen. With mucus pouring out of my face, and lungs that needed to be frequently and painfully cleared by coughing.

So here we are, ~~at the end of January 2020,~~ already in February 2020, whether you believe it’s a new decade this year or next. I’ve already told January to suck an egg. Which I wish I could have done sooner, of course, but here we are.

Will things magically transform with a flip of the calendar page? Not likely. And not only because I keep staring at the blank space on the wall that should be occupied by the 2020 calendar that I’m now two months behind in designing and ordering. It also has to do with the box of “Holiday Cheer and Happy New Year” cards have been languishing on the counter since the end of December. The silver lining is that it’s not going to matter what photos I put on the January page of the calendar, and the cards are so late in going out that it really doesn’t matter if I get them mailed next week or July.

The takeaway from all of this, for me, is that nothing is predictable or guaranteed. Don’t ever get used to things running smoothly or thinking things are going your way. The person who is able to dance between the raindrops and land, unscathed, on their feet will never be you, so you might as well accept it.

So what to do about that? Plan for every conceivable challenge? Look for every sign that adversity is coming? Catastrophize all the things? Sure, go ahead. I won’t be joining you in that effort. You’d be better off letting the knowledge that there are just things that happen in one lifetime that you will have no control over, sink in and become part of your subconscious.

What I mean is, YES, of course, have your contingency plans. If you can, have that extra cash stashed away, equip your cars with emergency kits, make sure you have water, non-perishable food and fuel stockpiled in your home, have legal things documented and accessible. But know that one cannot possibly account for every single way that any and every single day can go well or completely sideways.

Know that there may be those days, those moments, those periods of time when nothing in your life experience and knowledge base applies, and where you will have absolutely no idea what you’re supposed to do next, or after that, or even after that.

I mean, shit happens, right?

Shit sure does happen, mostly when you least expect it, and always has the absolute worst timing.

Lest you think I’m being all gloom and doom, a Debbie Downer, a storm of despondency, or a Negative Nellie, let me tell you: I could look at the beginning of 2020 as a chunk of time lost; lament the hours I wasn’t able to work, bemoan the housework and home maintenance that was left undone, be pissy about the extra effort I have to put in at work and home to catch up. But I’m not doing any of those things.

The beginning of this calendar year hasn’t been what I expected or could have in any way anticipated. But more thoughts were thunk and more plans were made and more epiphanies were experienced than would have been possible otherwise. I have no regrets or rueful emotions; in fact, I’m rather looking forward to how the beginning of 2020 can inform how I approach not only the rest of the year, but the rest of my life.

How about you, dear reader? How is this year shaping up for you? Are you looking to maintain your status quo or change things up? Have you faced any unexpected challenges? Have you adopted a new attitude, new goals, or both? What words of wisdom would you most like to pass along? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

Nobody Told Me

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” – Confucius

There were so many things I didn’t know intuitively about doing this adult thing, and now that I’ve experienced a great deal of them, I find myself wishing I still didn’t know about some of them. While adding years to your life can bring some wonderful moments, increased wisdom, and additional inner peace, there are definitely some things that have happened along the way that have given me pause. And I don’t mean menopause.

I put the following question out to the universe recently: what weren’t you told about being an adult, that you wish someone, anyone, had prepared your for? The responses I received were equally humorous, poignant, thought-provoking and heartbreaking.

So let’s break it down, shall we?

General Adulting:

There are no “How To Grownup” preparatory classes in high school or college. When you’re growing up, you think Adulthood is this fantastic party where you can do WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want.

I remember a conversation with my college BFF during our Senior year; we were both like, wow, it will be great when we graduate and can get jobs and pay for stuff and don’t have to go to class and eat bologna sandwiches on stale bread and drink cheap beer. And that’s what we did; we exchanged late nights for early mornings, rent for mortgages, internships for careers, and the single life to looking around asking ourselves, when did THIS (careers, houses, spouses, kids, MINIVANS) all happen?

When you become an adult, you need to figure out, and do, ALL the things. You need to work out things such as how to manage your time and finances, how to socialize, how to advance your career, how to clean and cook and, you know, grown-up things.

If you own a car, you have to pay attention to maintenance and repairs. Blowing up your car engine, because you didn’t realize those oil change reminders actually meant something, is a really expensive lesson to learn.

The same goes for home ownership. I heard from people who were just astounded at the amount of time and expense that goes into simple maintenance, let alone anything extra. This is definitely an area that I was naive about, to the point of immense regret of thinking I could be solely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of an actual building and the land associated with it. The fact that the inside of my house generally looks like the aftermath of Armageddon is a consequence of kids and time/space management, and can be remedied relatively quickly. However, the faded front door color, the weed (not the good kind) garden I’ve nurtured via complete disregard, the kitchen drawers that stick, and the cobwebs that accumulate in the corners…just ugh.

Another thread of comments I received was about expectations vs. reality. The fact that a college degree does not, in fact, guarantee a person a decent income. Which is a double whammy when one has put themselves into a decade or two of student loan debt. Growing apart from friends that you thought would always be in your day-to-day existence. The wish that one had been encouraged to follow their heart, their dreams and their passions, instead of trying to conform to societal expectations. The realization that upon reaching adulthood, one does not, in fact, automatically get their shit together.

And then there’s the good things people didn’t know; like when you say “no” and nobody kills or even hates you, and you finally understand that that one word is an acceptable and absolute answer to many questions in life. Another one is the realization that it is reasonable and even respectable to re-invent yourself, start over, ask for a re-do; because life does not have to be the same-old, same-old once you turn 30, 50, 75, or beyond.

Marriage and Romantic Relationships:

Most of what I heard is that nobody tells you how freaking HARD it is to be married. That people change over time, and what may have brought two people together in their 20’s (or at any age) has absolutely no bearing on or relevance to who those two people are in their 30’s, 40’s, and beyond. The stressors, that no one thinks of when they’re planning their wedding, take so many people by surprise. Whether it’s having kids, having difficulty or not being able to have kids, one partner not wanting kids while the other wants them more than anything, career changes, leaving the workforce, relocation, or change of financial status, the list of potential big changes and challenges to a married couple goes on and on and on. There have been those couples who struggled and ultimately split up, those who have struggled and stayed together, those who have found true happiness the second time around, those who have lost their spouses to disease or accidents before they were ready, those who truly have never met their match, and those who have decided that marriage or other long-term relationships are just not for them.

A sub-topic of this that I got input about, that is even more complicated, is abusive relationships. Even the realization that one is in an abusive relationship can be astoundingly difficult to accept. I lack the expertise to weigh in on this topic, but I believe the person who stated that an abuser won’t change.

Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Post-Childbirth:

The farting. This definitely caught me by surprise, and I’m not the only one.

Hemorrhoids. As one friend put it, they’re not very funny when they’re attached to YOUR asshole.

The distraction. My squirrel brain, formerly rather orderly, came out full force when I was pregnant, and has never quite returned to it’s former calm sta-crap, I forgot to make lunches again. Is there any clean laundry? Where are my glasses? What is that smell?

Many women (and men) were not totally prepared for childbirth. When there is SO MUCH information out there, how is that even possible? My guess is that one can gather as much knowledge as humanly possible about every single kind of birth scenario, but our brains aren’t capable of preparing us for every single kind of birth scenario. This is why so many expectant parents make birth plans. We WANT things to be orderly and we WANT to be in control. And with giving birth, truly, anything can happen. How many of you, or friends of yours, have had emergency C-sections? Or were in active labor for hours and hours and hours, and then more hours? Almost gave birth before getting to the hospital or before the doctor, midwife, or doula arrived?

Personally, I was fortunate in that the events of birthing my two babies were relatively easy, albeit wildly different. One baby plodded out of my uterus on her own time, in an event that was calm, relatively pain-free (once I got that epidural!) and exactly as planned, but it seemed to take forever (okay, don’t hate me, but it was really only a matter of a few hours). My second baby arrived as many days early as her sister arrived late, and her arrival was more like Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining, making her entrance by bursting through and nearly demolishing the doorway, scaring the shit out of everybody, and leaving a bloody mess in her wake. But at least it was over quickly.

One of the biggest surprises of giving birth for some was the fact that they pushed out something extra along with a baby. For those of you who don’t know because you haven’t forced an entire human out your bajingo…just think about it for a sec. The birther is exerting herself beyond anything otherwise reasonable, and the entirety of her digestive system has been squished into any available space around this tiny human’s incubator. So, yeah, poop can, and does, happen.

One friend chose to tell me about it via a direct message. On which she inadvertently cc’d her daughter, the one who caused the birth poop. When my friend realized her mistake and was OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD-ing, I was literally on the floor, howling with laughter, and the Birth Poop daughter was completely nonplussed. My hope is that now she’ll be better prepared for childbirth that her mom was, should she ever find herself in that situation.

The fact that sneezing (or coughing, or jumping, or any sudden movements) are never quite conducted after giving birth (or after a woman turns 40, whichever comes first) without a moment of self-check in, and sometimes an awkward knees-and-thighs-squeezed-together sprint to the bathroom.

Parenting:

The input I got about this category was wide-ranging and substantial, so I’ve made a few sub-categories. Except the two categories which are Sleep and Going to the Bathroom Alone. Neither of those things happen once you give birth. They know and they will find you, in your deepest dreams or your most urgent need to use the toilet, with something absolutely earth shattering, like “Hi Mama, watcha doin?” or “Ma! Whats for dinner?”.

Parenting Little Boys: They pee everywhere. Except into the toilet. They feel the need to stretch their penises like taffy when they are toddlers. Boy pee has been sniffed out, felt, and cleaned up from the most unlikeliest of places

Parenting Little Girls: They scream a lot. Like a LOT a lot. And a lot of time is spent teaching daughters how to wipe themselves front to back (aka, don’t sweep the dirt back into the kitchen).

Parenting Bigger Boys: They still pee everywhere. And they can make you angrier than you ever thought possible. And can also make you prouder than you ever thought you could be.

Parenting Bigger Girls: They still scream a lot. And they can also make you angrier than you ever thought possible. And after the screaming is done, there are those hugs and tears as you pull them close and never want to let them go.

General Parenting (for all ages):

There is a LOT of guilt and fear.

Every stupid and inappropriate thing we say is repeated by our littles, usually at the worst moments possible. Like quoted verbatim, in front of my mother.

We all have moments when we realize that we have totally lost our former selves, and we decide to do something about that, or not.

We feel totally stupid trying to help with math homework.

We feel judged, no matter our situation. If you’re a SAHM, you feel the shade your working sisters are throwing your way; if you are a working mother, you feel the side-eye directed at you from the SAHMs because you aren’t involved enough with your kids’ school and extra-curricular activities (sidenote: those feelings of being judged are likely all in your head; most of the moms I know feel judged, but don’t judge).

You’ve felt real anger about a child that you know only by name whom you are convinced is tormenting your child. But then, you also wonder if you are doing enough to raise your child to be compassionate and kind, because what if they aren’t?

And oh…those times when you’re not sure if you’re cut out for this parenting gig, you’re not sure if you love them enough…and they do something that brings you to your knees with gratitude and the knowledge that yes, you are enough.

Aging/Getting Older:

Another category that I received a ton of feedback on. So here goes:

You reach the point where hangovers last days instead of hours.

You realize how dysfunctional your upbringing actually was.

You come to the painful understanding that adulthood can be extremely lonely.

You mentally still feel like you’ve barely graduated college, and here you are trying to work and spouse and parent, and you are wondering who actually thought it was a good idea for you to be trusted with this level of responsibility.

You have little or no tolerance for anyone’s bullshit, and you finally shed the expectations you thought were foisted upon you. And if it affects your friendships or family relationships, so be it.

Acknowledging not only the “firsts” but the “lasts”. As in, this is the last year in my 40’s. This is the last time I’m going to drop my kid off at elementary school. This is the last mortgage payment I’m going to make. This is the last year my child is going to believe in Santa Claus.

Aging in general comes with no manual. Injuries and inconveniences earlier in your life can come back with significant and limiting consequences. You may feel like you’re 35, but one look in the mirror tells you a very different story. Staring at your reflection and thinking that you look tired, and then realizing that this is just your look now (raises hand).

Having the responsibility of caring for and/or about your aging parents or grandparents. There is no tried-and-true guidance for making the tough decisions or dealing with inevitable declines that happen as our parents and grandparents grow old.

So there it is. Some of it, anyway. As for myself, I may never get this whole being a grownup thing totally nailed down, but it’s not for a lack of trying. And when I put my question out to the universe, I was amazed and encouraged by how many people experience the same thoughts and feelings.

So what about you? What resonated with you, and what can you tell me that no one told you about? Please feel free to leave a comment! And if you liked this post, please share!

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven