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Fare Thee Well!

Moving on from Middle School is the Best Thing Ever.

This celebration is but a few years away…

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Seneca

An Open Letter to My Daughter Upon the End of Middle School That Probably Applies to a Lot of Kids This Age:

You did it, my dear. You made it through what most adults in our culture look back on and shiver with discomfort: The Middle School Years.

For most, 8th grade is/was the apex of awkwardness and angst. There’s these new gangly arms and legs that can cause a 13 year old to move like a newborn fawn, unsteady and with all limbs moving in different directions. Along with the feet and chins and noses that are suddenly out of proportion on everyone, the braces that make smiles look more like grimaces, and the dreaded acne breakouts.

And, oh…the daily embarrassment of simply existing. The absolute conviction that everything one says is unforgivably dumb and will be ridiculed in the most loud and public manner. The knowledge that everyone else is cool, confident and worry-free, so comfortable in their own skin, unconcerned about what anyone else says or thinks.

Guess what? Nearly everyone feels the same way, they just express it differently. Some try to shrink into the background, some try to overcompensate, some hide behind facades of their own construction, whether those facades project confidence, cruelty, or something in between.

Here’s what you may not realize; aside from all the super weird and challenging physical and emotional changes you’ve experienced, you have also learned a metric shitton. Yes, that’s a technical term, don’t question me.

Academically, you’ve effectively learned a second language; you’ve learned mathematical equations; you’ve learned about technology, history, grammar, science and well being. Your knowledge base is solid, and you will, going forward, build upon that base.

Socially, you’ve established a fluid base of friends. Friendships will wax and wane over the next few years, but you already know who is going to remain at your core, who has your back, who makes you laugh, who gets you, and vice versa.

Athletically, you have brought your game to a different level. You want to run, you want to bike, you want to play, and you want to compete. YOU were instrumental in your tourney games and getting your team to state championship. The players who tear up the field and score and play well offensively tend to get most of the glory, which is not undeserved. But you are bold and solid on defense, and I know that’s where you’re most comfortable. You play smart, you play physical, and watching you on the basketball court and lacrosse field brings me so much pride. You play with heart and ferocity. You didn’t learn that from me, it comes from within you, and it’s amazing.

I know you have your negative opinions about yourself, your struggles, your moments of anxiety and self-doubt. I know I will likely see less of you over the next few years, and you will share less with me, as you establish your confidants and social circle.

What you need to understand is that I am bound and determined to see you through to adulthood, and to make sure you are happy, safe, kind, productive and secure in the knowledge that you are loved. I have told you that this is my mission since you were a little child, and I mean even more now than I did then.

I make a lot of mistakes, every freaking day. I try to own them, with the thought that I am leading by example. What I won’t do, is apologize for who I am, in any given moment, which is also what I want to pass along to you. This lack of remorse on my part basically means that the sooner you accept and embrace me, the fewer struggles we will have. Just let me hug you every once in a while, okay? I know I’m uncool and dorky and embarrassing, and I’m okay with that.

So you can roll your eyes when I tell you I love you, you can make fun of me about all the things you think I don’t know. You can think and say out loud that I’m old and I understand nothing. But I’ll also be here to surprise you with the things I DO know; so when you snicker at some small reference and I ask you, “What?”, don’t assume it’s because I don’t understand…I’m testing you, to see if YOU understand.

But when it comes down to it, I know what I need to know. I know I birthed not one, but two future legends. I know you have great potential for success, as long as you don’t trip yourself up. Even if you do stumble, you can rise with the knowledge that I am always here and always have your back.

Also, because I need to include this in every single conversation we have, even if I’m the only one talking: you need to be nicer to your sister. She is your biggest supporter and most enthusiastic cheerleader. She takes whatever you say as solid truth, over anything I might say or do to convince her otherwise. So choose your words carefully, and understand your power to influence.

Lastly, I’m proud of you. I know you feel like middle school kind of sucked, but I hope you will hold onto the good memories that you made while there. You had some outstanding teachers who helped you ignite your desire to learn and excel academically. You achieved great things athletically as well.

The onset of the teen years is super not fun for either the teens or the parents, but I hope you know that I’m doing my best to navigate this territory. I understand when you don’t want to talk to me and when you don’t even want me in the same hemisphere, and I do my best to give you your space. I appreciate the moments when we have honest and candid conversations, because you are an amazing child, growing into an even more amazing person, who has so much to offer this world.

I promise the next few years will be challenging, but also rewarding. You really did make it through the toughest time, and it’s now your time to build upon your skills and knowledge as you journey on the inevitable path to adulthood. I believe in you, and I hope that in your times of both great triumph and struggle, you can feel me behind you, supporting you, whispering, “You can do it.”

Because you can, and you will.

I love you most.

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven (aka Mama)

© The Twisted Maven, 2019

THE PURGE

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing” – Phyllis Diller

My imagined view of any room in my home.

Here’s the truth, and you know it: most of us hold onto too much crap and allow our homes to become cluttered. It’s not something that happens quickly, but over a few decades of life. From where I sit, in my office, at my computer, I can see albums and boxes of photographs (none of which have are from the past decade); a full set of china on display in a cabinet (I didn’t want formal china, but I gave in to pressure from older people and registered for it when I was getting married) (by the way, the fancy formal china has been used maybe five times in the past 16 years), a bin of craft supplies, a stack of 500 index cards, 30 pens and markers and pencils, four notebooks, six different objects with imprints of my children’s feet/hands when they were infants, and about a million tchotchkes placed every other available surface.

That’s a lot, and that’s just what’s in front of me right now. I decided about a year ago that a huge PURGE was necessary, so I’ve been going room by room in this not-very-big house of mine. I was partly inspired by the KonMari Method, and partly by the legendary comedian George Carlin, who joked (I’m paraphrasing) that our houses are just a places to keep our stuff, while we go out and work to get more stuff, until we need a bigger house to store all our stuff.

Honestly, I don’t need more stuff. I need less. Sure, at times I’ve felt pressure to “upgrade” my home to something that is more spacious, more fancy, with more rooms and a larger driveway and bigger everything. But when I dig deep into my emotional well, I realize I don’t need a house with more or bigger or larger right now. I just want this house to be more organized, and I’d like to shed the stuff that isn’t needed or wanted.

As for the KonMari Method, it postulates that anything that doesn’t bring you joy should be discarded. From old college tees to kitchen gadgets to stuff you stashed away for future use; all of it should be taken out, examined, and either found an accessible place in your home or thanked and discarded. For the stuff you keep, it should be stored and organized in specific ways; for instance, t-shirts should be folded and stored upright instead of flat, and old boxes should be re-purposed as drawer organizers.

In the course of writing this, I have also discovered the concept of döstädning, or Swedish Death Cleaning. This decluttering method does not have all the rules and processes that the KonMari Method has. It’s underlying message is this: don’t leave a freaking mess of your things for your family to deal with when you die.

And although I have reached a point in life where I think every illness, pain and momentary physical discomfort signals my imminent death, which of course my internet searches confirm, I decided that I can hold off on the Death Cleaning until at least my next round of organizing and cleaning, after my kids are no longer kids.

But overall, I can get on board with the concept of purging my home of items that are unused, grown out of, and unappreciated.

Well, except for the clothes that I haven’t worn in a few or more seasons, but I swear I will if I ever don’t wear only the same 7 pairs of sweats/leggings during the colder months, the same 6 pairs of shorts during the hotter months and the same 3 pairs of pants that don’t reach my ankles during the in-between seasons (what are we calling them now? cropped? capris? clam diggers?). Along with my various graphic, athletic and regular cotton tees. And an occasional sweater.

One side note; the idea of discarding everything that does not bring me joy is a little…I don’t know…extra. Dustrags don’t bring me joy, but they’re necessary. The sump pump that prevents my basement from flooding doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, but yet, I need it. I view toilet cleaner with dread, but again, I can’t NOT have it.

There are some things that I’m actually good at getting rid of, such as dried up markers (on the day I happened to realize a whole bin of dried up markers resided in my living room), and pieces of paper. I recycle the shit out of pieces of paper, even ones that I really need but don’t realize it until approximately three minutes after the recycling has been taken out.

Um. That’s it, really. I have a lot of things of sentimental value, tchotchkies I’ve picked up along the way, kids’ artwork from birth until now that I’m loathe to part with, pens from every bank, hotel and vendor I’ve ever breezed by, notebooks (I have a thing for volumes of blank paper), random stuff that finds its way into my home and never leaves, and anything I’ve ever gotten for free. Or even for some effort.

I will also admit, I am a collecter (hoarder) of books; I love books. I love my hardcover books with their dustcovers intact that haven’t even been read yet as much as those that have been read multiple times with broken in spines. I love the ebooks on my tablet and I never ever delete any of them; I love my paperback books with their ratty covers and busted up spines and questionable debris smudges on the pages (pizza grease? coffee stains? boogers?). Bottom line: I’m keeping my books.

However, one of the things that the KonMari Method insists on is getting rid of books. That no home should have more than thirty. I’m sorry, but anyone who would put a limit on the number of books I have in my home can just take that negativity and go elsewhere.

So even though I won’t throw out books and I have a large bin of more broken and unbroken crayons than any human could ever use, I have made progress, using the TM (Twisted Maven) Purge Method. Which looks like this:

Any time that my schedule (and that means: when I’m not working, sleeping, schlepping children, or doing other shit) allows, I take a corner, a closet, or a section of a room, and I start tossing what I find there in different directions.

One pile is recycling. This typically consists of two-plus year old New York Times Magazines that I truly meant to read; random pieces of paper such as notes about appointments, tasks, draft drawings and cryptic messages that I’ll never figure out the meaning of (along with really important information that I need…see above); old single use water bottles that creep up on me my from my office, underneath car seats and hidden in a pile of mismatched socks on my dresser, and; anything else I happen to come across that has a recycling triangle.

Another pile is for designated Passing Along. I have family and friends with younger children to whom I can to pass along some really awesome stuff that my daughters enjoyed when they were younger.

Yes, there is a garbage pile, but I try to keep the amount of stuff that I straight up discard to a future in a landfill to a minimum. This pile consists of anything I cannot recycle or pass along. Mostly random crap like pieces of string, dried up play-doh, anything gotten by twisting a quarter for a “prize” out of a metal chute, and, well, garbage.

And then there’s the donation pile, which typically ends up being the largest, because I hold onto shit for too long. And although I have donated clothes and household items to large charity organizations previously, I decided to try to seek out more local sources for items I no longer want or need.

To that end, I currently have a job that enables me to bring in toys, books, music and other kid-friendly materials that are no longer or have never been used in my house. I get to enjoy them, in some cases, all over again, with super amazing tiny humans that aren’t related to me!

I have also found local Facebook groups can be key to turning your discards into another persons’ treasure.

There are local “Upcycle” and “Free” sites, but the one I like the most is my local “Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing” group. If you do nothing else with your life on the day you read this, please please check out if such a group exists in your community. If so, then JOIN. If not, then consider creating your own.

The concept is simple. If you have stuff you want to get rid of, post it on the site. If you have things you need, ask on the site. But what makes this a little different is the concept of creating a feeling of community, of offering up and asking for not just material objects.

Besides actual items, other things that can be offered/asked for on a Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing site: transportation for elderly/handicapped individuals, excess produce from a home garden, volunteers for a community clean-up, plantings for/from one’s yard, coupons for infant formula, pet sitting, event tickets, and so on.

In addition, I’ve seen people who have received items turn around and offer them back up when they are ready to pass them along. And, occasionally, people get to know and befriend people from their own neighborhood and beyond. And you can’t put a price on human connection.

Personally, I was able to find good homes for board games, kitchen gadgets, office items, clothing, and other miscellany. It also gave me an outlet to dispense some humor with my item descriptions. The feedback I received that I made someone laugh or smile meant more to me than ridding my closet of my purged items.

The items I didn’t have any takers on were bacon-muffin molds. They’re still languishing in my closet, awaiting the next purge round.

That said, I feel like I may have just landed on my first giveaway. I know and you know you want these bacon muffin molds. Send me a PM or comment below about why you deserve these pieces of magic more than anyone. I’ll pick a winner based on the messages that amuse me most, and will send them with no cost to you. I’ll announce the winner previous to my next post.

Take-aways: we accumulate too much crap. We should get rid of our excess crap. Someone else might be able to use our crap that we do not want or need. Give local. Don’t do a death purge until you’re reasonably certain that you’re actually dying…but then, only of old age.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

New Joy, Familiar Magic

“Joy, feeling one’s own value, being appreciated and loved by others, feeling useful and capable of production are all factors of enormous value for the human soul” – Maria Montessori

I have had a lot of different roles in my life thus far. Aside from familial roles, such as daughter, sister, mother, and aunt, I’ve had personal roles such as friend, grad student, friend-with-benefits, writer, runner, and coach. And aside from that, I’ve had numerous professional roles, many of which I have touched upon previously.

For those new to this space, a brief summary: I broke up with my former corporate career over 3 years ago. And while I floundered in some areas of my life, I did find purpose working with children as a teacher, coach and a team sports parent.

And I realized that I liked the person I was when I was teaching and coaching and spending time with children. After (sub?)consciously avoiding kids for two decades (even my own in some circumstances due to my so-called career goals), I came to appreciate how intelligent, kind, frustrating, creative, funny, stubborn and endearing children are.

I learned a few things working with kids, and being around my own kids more. I learned to be present. I learned to listen to what kids have to say. I learned how to pick up on subtle clues and ask pertinent questions in a classroom, at home, or on the practice field. I learned how to acknowledge good decisions and how to deal with less than desirable behavior and actions. And I learned that I should always be ready with a hug, fist bump, or high five for whomever deserves or needs it most, whether in my own family or as a teacher or coach.

So there was learning, there was processing, there was the thinking about what could, and should come next. And then…

While I was ruminating over what I could during the day, before my after school program obligations, besides sleep and think about maybe cleaning something, and continuing to struggle with the lack of structure for the majority of the daytime, I happened upon something.

In reading a humorous post by a local friend about what won’t get a person considered for employment (helpful hint: don’t brag that you were “gonna be a cow trainer” under Other Accomplishments), I found myself taking a moment to contemplate. For sure, I have never had cow training ambitions, so perhaps this could maybe, possibly, potentially, be something I could not only be considered for, but may actually be good at and enjoy.

That’s the moment when I felt the universe whisper to me to reach out, to take a chance that joy, purpose and stability could be within reach.

In part because I chose this place almost 15 years ago, and it chose me. I could clearly recall the first time I walked into this particular facility, and how I instantly felt the warmth, the creative vibe, the comfort, the positive energy, and love.

So I did it. I wrote a message, held my breath, and hit send. Fast forward through a couple of meetings, frank conversations, paperwork and more paperwork…and one moment when time slowed down. I was being shown around a second, newer facility, and I couldn’t stop smiling because of how comfortable, cheerful and inspiring this space felt. I mentioned those feelings to my potential future employer, and she looked at me and said, yes, you get the magic, you see why we do what we do.

That moment will stick with me for the rest of my life. That moment told me that this is absolutely right for me, right now. This was an opportunity to embrace something rewarding and fulfilling.

So I took a moment to appreciate what my former career taught me and say a respectful good-bye to it. I felt able to look forward with anticipation instead of backwards with anxiety. And then I dove right in to this new experience.

Now that it’s been over a month, I feel like it’s time to confidently declare my new occupation. So instead of sitting in an office, a cubicle, or worse yet, an “open concept” office space, rolling my eyes and falling asleep during conference calls, stressing over blown budgets, fighting for resources and dealing with corporate politics, I have been spending my time with…wait for it…

KIDS!!! Children. Toddlers. Babies. Pre Schoolers. And I LOVE IT.

The place that, years ago, I had chosen, that chose me back? It’s the childcare and preschool facility that my kids attended from infancy until grade school, while I toiled in an office miles and miles away.

I admit, I had an anxious passing thought that there was going to be some dark underbelly, some curtain that was going to be dramatically lifted to reveal an operation that varied wildly from my previous perception of the place. I, of course, created some pretty sensational scenes in my head…of preschoolers being made to darn socks, toddlers having to scrounge the waste bins of the restaurant next door for food, and one year-olds comprising the landscaping crew, while the directors sit in a red-lit cave/office, cackling while they gleefully count the gazillions of dollars, all in small bills, that they’re making off the backs of hard-working parents.

By the way, I don’t even know what darning socks is, and if it’s even been a thing since Laura Ingalls’ days on the prairie.

At any rate, I’m happy to report that NONE of the theatrics in my imagination come anywhere close to the truth.

The truth is, this place is exactly how it was presented to me as a parent some years ago. The people who work here, do so with pride and a level of care that is incredible. There really is so much love, ingenuity, vigilance, and thoughtful guidance for each and every child. I have only witnessed people doing their best every day to provide excellent care for children who aren’t theirs.

And now, that includes myself. I am delighted, surprised and gratified every day. I am grateful that I get to spend several hours each day with these small humans. I am enchanted by their smiles and their laughter. I am able to comfort them, nurture them, sing to them, read books with them, and do work that looks like play to teach them words, colors, numbers, gross and fine motor skills, and model how to interact with kindness.

Listen, contrary to what I (and perhaps you, too) once believed, life does not happen in a linear fashion. There is no if A, then B must be true formula outside of mathematics for most of us. Right now, I’m writing the next chapter of my life, and it doesn’t bear much resemblance to any of the previous chapters. I’ve learned to be okay with that.

For the first time in my life, I’m accepting that I honestly don’t know what life will look like a year from now. However, what I’m doing with my life right now is what counts, and I am finally making it count. I have gratitude, hope and joy in my life, which did come at some cost to my discretionary income, retirement plans and ability to travel. At the end of the day, though, I am not sorry about any of those things. For me, right now at least, smiles and satisfaction win over shopping and status.

This Thing I Call “The BLAH”

“While nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does, either.”

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“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, ‘It will be happier'” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

Oh, here it is, the New Year. When everyone is over their holiday hangovers and food comas; joyful and/or tense celebrations with family are but an ever distant memory; and hey look, the 20 pounds of cheese and carbs consumed between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve has landed anywhere and everywhere between your chin and ankles.

Not only that, but if you live in most of the northern hemisphere, there’s snow, slush, grey skies, short days and cold weather. Which, if you’re one of those avid skiiers, snowboarders, or other lovers of winter weather, it might be fine. But for the rest of us mortals, it pretty much sucks and we think you’re weirdos.

(side note: if you live someplace where snow, slush, grey skies and cold weather are non-existent, please invite me to stay with you for January through March sometime. I won’t charge you for my pleasure of my company, and I’ll even let you feed me)

I don’t know about you specifically, dear reader, but I do know that many people feel this sense of what could be termed as sadness, despair, or ennui…basically just an over all BLAH state of mind after the holidays. Those of you who do feel this way, you need to know that it’s not just you, and I’m not saying this just to try to make you feel better or invalidate your mental and emotional state. Rather, I’m saying this because I want you to know that I know.

I’d be a lying liar if I said that I’m feeling all rainbows and sunshine right now. I am not without personal struggles. I have them, and they’re not always easily solvable or insignificant. I do my best to deal with everything life throws my way with kindness and humor, but yes, of course there are days that I cry for hours and throw my hands up in desperation and struggle to put one foot in front of the other. And this time of the year tends to amplify my BLAH.

So here it is. No one should have to go through whatever shitstorm they’re experiencing alone. It can take a giant amount of bravery to reach out for help, but if you’re hurting or in need, please please do so. In the first draft of this post, I included a note to contact me if you need to vent, because I am a good listener. However, I realized that might be a rather odd offer, and honestly, I just don’t have the emotional capacity or time to open my listening ears to just anyone. I’m sure you understand. Besides, I don’t have many words of wisdom. What I mostly have are funny memes, stupid jokes, and a lot of fucking swearing.

So if you’re feeling stuck in the BLAH, a great move would be for you to contact a close friend or family member, and just talk. The people you know are likely far more willing than you realize to listen, and to help. And if you don’t have anyone with whom you can have this kind of discussion with, I’d encourage you to reach out to a professional who can help you work through your thoughts and emotions, and who has much better knowledge and methods in their toolbox than the fart jokes in mine.

Aside from reaching out to try to alleviate your own BLAH, you might want to listen to who is reaching out to you. You might just be someone else’s lifeline. And, according to science, helping others does increase our own happiness. I’d say that’s a win-win type of thing, yes?

Something I have learned throughout my journey thus far, is that sometimes we need to embrace the BLAH and go right through it. But there is no need to do it alone.

And at times, there is more knowledge and comfort in the clouds and rain than the sunniest of sunny days.

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Because, without rain, how do we grow?

Last thought for this entry: remember that while nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does, either.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Twisted Maven Intro Part II – I Know What I Know

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“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” – Confucius

What topics would you like to discuss and/or know more about? I’m asking you, dear reader, for input, because I have no particular type of wisdom that’s been bequeathed to me. I only know what I know, based on past and current experiences. And the majority of that knowledge is kind of limited. For example, I’m a decent cook. I know how to cook for two, I can prepare of delightful buffet of deliciousness for a crowd, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out a single complete meal that four people who live under the same roof will eat on any given weeknight.

Other things I kind of know about:

I know how to straighten a house, and can surely help anyone with organization techniques. You give me a few days of your life, I will have you organized in such a way that you don’t even notice how organized you are. Your closets, your office, your schedule, I will have everything within reach to the point where anything seems possible. At my home? Just shush. Do as I say, not as I do. I know where some things are, and that’s all I need to know. Until I don’t know where they are, and everyone better just stay out of my way until I find them. Also, please do not peek in my windows. It’s Level 10 chaos with some of my shit, a little bit of his shit, and then ALL of their shit.

I also know how to clean. Like, CLEAN clean. Before kids, my floors were so clean you could actually call the 5-second rule and not have any fear of harmful germs or debris leaping onto your chip that you dropped guac-side down on my floor. Then I got a dog, and realized that she was really good at making my floors appear clean. Then, two kids and one dead dog later, I realized how disgusting my floors are on a daily basis. I periodically work to remedy that.

I can make some stuff. I swear I’ll be launching my jewelry Etsy shop one of these days (or years). I’m also a VERY amateur knitter…if you’d like a too-short or too-long or too-wide scarf with some dropped stitches in it, let me know, you can pick one out of my collection. Same knit hats. I’ve not had any formal training besides reading some books and watching some knitting videos on YouTube, and it shows. Anyway, I know a few kinds of stitches, and I tend to knit while I drink wine and watch TV.

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(my first attempt at knitting a hat a couple of years ago…I am marginally better now)

I sort of know how to follow directions. If I purchase something that needs putting together, like desks, shelving, media stands, lamps, chairs, appliances…I can assemble the shit out of that shit, and usually with only completely disassembling and righting the direction of the parts once. Or twice.

Other: I used to know how to change brake pads on a car, but that skill hasn’t been tested in a couple of decades. I can remodel everything but the floor of a bathroom. I can rehab furniture. I can tell a joke and I’m a decent storyteller. I can listen without judgement or interjecting, except to let you know that I hear you. I can make a room feel welcoming. I can keep two children alive and healthy and (mostly) happy. So far. We’re just entering the tween and teen years, so let’s reserve judgement on that for a bit.

There’s also a shitton of stuff that I CAN’T do or have difficulty with. Like moving through the world with anything that resembles dexterity and grace, seeing tasks and projects through to completion, having any conversation with other adults without an abundance of cursing, and making decisions in the moment, because I have to overthink absolutely everything ever. Just in case you were under the impression that I’m some sort of freaking superstar, I just wanted to gently remind you that I’m human.

All of the above wraps up into this: Despite my limitations and mistakes, and because of my knowledge and successes, I do desire to leave this world just a little bit better than I found it. Which leads me back to the question at the beginning of this entry: what topics would you like to discuss and/or know more about? Because yes, this is my blog, so it’s mainly about, well, ME, but I also want to know about YOU. My ultimate mission is being able to provide you with content that makes you smile, makes you nod your head in agreement, helps you feel understood, and helps you feel connected as you navigate this dumb thing we call “adulthood”. So please, leave a comment, send me an email (twistedmaven@gmail.com), share with your friends, hit the “like” button, and follow The Twisted Maven!

Until next time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven