“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver
Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.
Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.
Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.
So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?
On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.
All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.
I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:
1. I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.
2. Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.
3. I make mistakes. A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.
4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.
5. If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you. I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.
6. Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.
7. I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.
8. I love you both equally, but differently.
9. Birth order has something to do with it.
10. I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.
11. I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.
12. I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.
13. Same for table manners.
14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.
15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.
But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.
You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.
16. Brushing your teeth is actually really important.
17. Take care of your bodies. Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.
18. My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.
19. Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.
20. I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF. I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).
21. The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes? You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie. My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.
22. I will always have your back. It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.
23. You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to. Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.
24. I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.
Until Next Time,
Just Breathe…
The Twisted Maven