Category: Humor

Twisted Maven Intro Part II – I Know What I Know

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“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” – Confucius

What topics would you like to discuss and/or know more about? I’m asking you, dear reader, for input, because I have no particular type of wisdom that’s been bequeathed to me. I only know what I know, based on past and current experiences. And the majority of that knowledge is kind of limited.  For example, I’m a decent cook. I know how to cook for two, I can prepare of delightful buffet of deliciousness for a crowd, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out a single complete meal that four people who live under the same roof will eat on any given weeknight.

Other things I kind of know about:

I know how to straighten a house, and can surely help anyone with organization techniques. You give me a few days of your life, I will have you organized in such a way that you don’t even notice how organized you are.  Your closets, your office, your schedule, I will have everything within reach to the point where anything seems possible. At my home? Just shush. Do as I say, not as I do. I know where some things are, and that’s all I need to know. Until I don’t know where they are, and everyone better just stay out of my way until I find them. Also, please do not peek in my windows. It’s Level 10 chaos with some of my shit, a little bit of his shit, and then ALL of their shit.

I also know how to clean. Like, CLEAN clean. Before kids, my floors were so clean you could actually call the 5-second rule and not have any fear of harmful germs or debris leaping onto your chip that you dropped guac-side down on my floor. Then I got a dog, and realized that she was really good at making my floors appear clean.  Then, two kids and one dead dog later, I realized how disgusting my floors are on a daily basis. I periodically work to remedy that.

I can make some stuff. I swear I’ll be launching my jewelry Etsy shop one of these days (or years). I’m also a VERY amateur knitter…if you’d like a too-short or too-long or too-wide scarf with some dropped stitches in it, let me know, you can pick one out of my collection. Same knit hats. I’ve not had any formal training besides reading some books and watching some knitting videos on YouTube, and it shows. Anyway, I know a few kinds of stitches, and I tend to knit while I drink wine and watch TV.

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(my first attempt at knitting a hat a couple of years ago…I am marginally better now)

I sort of know how to follow directions. If I purchase something that needs putting together, like desks, shelving, media stands, lamps, chairs, appliances…I can assemble the shit out of that shit, and usually with only completely disassembling and righting the direction of the parts once. Or twice.

Other: I used to know how to change brake pads on a car, but that skill hasn’t been tested in a couple of decades. I can remodel everything but the floor of a bathroom. I can rehab furniture.  I can tell a joke and I’m a decent storyteller. I can listen without judgement or interjecting, except to let you know that I hear you. I can make a room feel welcoming. I can keep two children alive and healthy and (mostly) happy. So far. We’re just entering the tween and teen years, so let’s reserve judgement on that for a bit.

There’s also a shitton of stuff that I CAN’T do or have difficulty with. Like moving through the world with anything that resembles dexterity and grace, seeing tasks and projects through to completion, having any conversation with other adults without an abundance of cursing, and making decisions in the moment, because I have to overthink absolutely everything ever. Just in case you were under the impression that I’m some sort of freaking superstar, I just wanted to gently remind you that I’m human.

All of the above wraps up into this: Despite my limitations and mistakes, and because of my knowledge and successes, I do desire to leave this world just a little bit better than I found it. Which leads me back to the question at the beginning of this entry: what topics would you like to discuss and/or know more about? Because yes, this is my blog, so it’s mainly about, well, ME, but I also want to know about YOU. My ultimate mission is being able to provide you with content that makes you smile, makes you nod your head in agreement, helps you feel understood, and helps you feel connected as you navigate this dumb thing we call “adulthood”. So please, leave a comment, send me an email (twistedmaven@gmail.com), share with your friends, hit the “like” button, and follow The Twisted Maven! 

Until next time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

Twisted Maven Intro – Part 1

How I used to envision adulthood…all green grass and blue skies and fluffy white clouds.

 

“I planned to take over the world, but I’m tired.” – Unknown

Greetings and welcome to The Twisted Maven!   Come on in and hang out for awhile. Curl up on my couch, enjoy a glass of wine or a cup of tea, but please leave your shoes at the door.  My aim is to make you comfortable, but not so much that you feel free to muck up my space. It’s already mucked up enough. Besides, we’ve got some things to discuss, all of us, about this Mess in the Middle.

By way of introductions, I was born in the 1970’s, came of age in the 1980’s, grew into adulthood in the 1990’s, got married and procreated in the 00’s, so I’m currently in the years between helping my children and parents with their toileting. Too old to go out anywhere that has a dance floor and a DJ, but still a few years away from my complimentary AARP magazine subscription.  You get the idea. I am existing on a day-to-day basis, with lots of balls in the air and even more on the ground that I’ve dropped along the way.

I’m at that point in life where I’m attempting to let go of the past, live in the present, while still planning some for the future.  I have kids who still need me, parents who are showing signs of needing me more, a desire for an organized home and schedule, a fairly wicked sense of humor, a love of facts, the obligation to provide some sort of income to my household, and a propensity for using curse words as often as I breathe.

I’m also a pop culture junkie, most knowledgeable about random facts dating from my parent’s childhood in the 1950’s to right about the exact second I gave birth for the second time in 2009. And, I am a big fan of quality food, drink, coffee, movies, television that costs money, and music of most kinds.  

I’m in a constant state of being pulled in all directions to the point of shattering,  while simultaneously feeling enough pressure from all sides that I often feel crushed to the point of being completely compacted, unable to move. Above all, I’m just freaking tired.  All. The. Time.

I’m waiting to reclaim all of my limbs and senses, and for that crushing pressure to lift and finally reveal the sparkle of the me-diamond that has been under construction for so long. I’m sure there’s a single German word for all of this, but my google searches have yet to find it.

So why “The Twisted Maven”?  Because I have enough life experience and education, both academic and self-started, to consider myself someone who may have something relatable to say, as well as some semi-useful knowledge to pass along. And I’m also self-aware enough to know that I’m generally a culmination of my failures, but yet, I’m still standing, and even thriving in some areas. I am the master of my life; it’s a chaotic, ridiculous, tiring thing, but yet, I love it. That’s the “Maven” part.

 

The “Twisted” part? Well, if you’re looking for some amazing Pinterest-worthy creations or tone-deaf articles that purport to help you live a happier, more organized, productive and beautiful life, you’re not going to find that  here. There’s already enough of that kind of stuff out there to make you feel shitty about your life. Rather, I’m a truth teller about how I manage this Mess in the Middle. What I aim to do is let you know that I feel you, and I’m with you in the trenches.  I appreciate and understand the drudgery.

What I aim to do is help us all acknowledge and laugh at the things that we can’t control, allow us to realize how to control the things we can without losing our shit, and learn to know the difference between the two.  I’m all about hacks that actually work, camouflaging disasters, calling bullshit wherever and whenever I see it, learning as much as I can about as much as I can. And, most of all, laughing and singing and crying like there’s nobody watching.

This whole life thing is a complicated bit, no matter where you are located in it. Why not celebrate our beautiful catastrophes, and have a laugh while we’re at it?

Stay tuned, as there is much, much more to come.  In the meantime…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven