Knowledge Archives - Page 2 of 3

Sh*t Hap–

“Without the experience of trouble, calamity, grief, and adversity, you would not have courage, strength, joy and patience.” – Nishan Panwar

Initially, I was going to write about how freaking exhausting, and yet joyful Spring is for parents of school aged children. However, my planned single-subject tirade was harshly interrupted. Because shit happens, right?

I arrived, late and halfheartedly, to my oldest child’s lacrosse game on a recent evening. I was feeling overwhelmed with All The Things To Be Done, wanting to be there and not wanting to be there in equal measure (and feeling the crushing guilt the not wanting to be there brings), and on the tail end of what felt like months, but was actually maybe an hour, of having my ears melted by my 9 year old’s never ending monologue of statements, emotions, and questions that demanded an immediate answer.

My cellphone rang, which it never does, except for appointment reminders and spam calls. I almost tapped that thingy on the side that silences calls, but I glanced at the caller ID. It was my best friend from college, one of very few people whom I could not, and would not, ever send to voicemail and tell them to text me instead.

I was greeted with a small “hi” and a deep breath, and I knew that I needed to walk away from the lacrosse field. She then informed me that our friend, our sorority sister, our college roommate, had passed away unexpectedly. I listened and could only murmur small words as she told me what happened. My heart started to break as I heard her sorrow and felt her same pain. I winced as she told me about how recently they had talked and how many times they had tried to get together, but, you know, shit happens, life is busy and there is always next time.

We discussed how unbelievable, how awful and how freaking sad it was that this woman, whose presence could command a room, whose laugh was infectious, who told the funniest jokes, who hid her pain from most of the world, who was on the 77th floor of the North Tower on 9/11 and made it out alive, who serenaded us endlessly in college with her rendition of “Something to Talk About”, who could turn a minor discomfort into a super urgent huge medical emergency, who loved her mom, who adored her child, who had just in the past few years found the love of her life and was living as her best self, had actually left us.

Two days later, I found myself tagged in a post disseminating the news about a high school friend who passed away the previous evening from a massive heart attack. Although I hadn’t physically seen him in over 20 years, we were close friends back in the day. He was funny, like FUNNY funny, and he had a generous heart and great kindness. He had, like my college friend, found love again and remarried within the last few years. He had also recently announced that his wife was expecting a baby boy, and this was some really awful shit that happened.

Here’s the thing; these events occurred while my oldest kid was in the playoffs for state champions for lacrosse, which was thrilling and time consuming. My youngest kid had just finished her season with Girls on the Run, and was also playing some exciting lacrosse games, which I was helping to coach. I hadn’t seen my suddenly deceased friends any time recently, although we had re-connected via social media within the last decade. So there were all these conflicted feelings and confusion; I wanted more than anything to be fully present for my kids and their good shit happening, but yet, here were these feelings, these losses which I felt acutely, but was struggling with how to process and where to put these feelings about this really bad shit that happened.

It was difficult for me to define and put perspective on my grief, and maybe this is an issue with social media. If I hadn’t reconnected with these people from my past through social media, I may or may not have had any connection with them at all. I may not have been reminded of our friendships and moments and years past when I saw their posts, I might have had no knowledge about their current lives, and perhaps wouldn’t have been able to rejoice in their happiness or grieve their deaths.

And that train of thought made me feel like my sorrow wasn’t justified, like I had no right to grieve for these people I had once been close to, or even feel bad for their families and friends that they had been more recently connected with. And I was concerned that if I stopped for a moment to process these events, that I would be less than present for important shit happening in my children’s lives. So I ended up spending a few days sad, confused, conflicted, not present and bogged down in my own shit.

And then…and it wasn’t a sudden epiphany, it was after seeking comfort, wisdom and conversation from and with friends and family…I realized that my feelings of grief were valid and worthy. And then I shouldn’t try to skirt around them, but embrace and move through them, so that I could be fully engaged with the shit happening in front of my face.

I allowed myself time. Time to think, time to cry, time to mentally thank these individuals for being a part of my life, for helping form who I am today. They may have no longer been a part of my day-to-day, but they certainly had their place in my life and in my heart. And I allowed myself to feel sorrow and concern for their families and other loved ones who may have no idea who I am now or was in the past to my friends.

And guess what? I’m still feeling sadness and loss, and it’s still going to take awhile to navigate this. However, I have also been able to appreciate the good shit happening. I’ve watched and felt great excitement and happiness about my girls’ team playing with heart and winning the state middle school lacrosse championship. I have been able to express my pride to my girl and gratitude to her coaches.

I was able to put my heart into coaching my other girls’ lacrosse team and feel happiness in their accomplishments and achievements. I have been able to function at my job and care for the small humans in my care with all of my abilities not only intact, but with intention and confidence.

Actual winning medal and trophy for actually winning.

Grief and joy can exist together. I’d venture to say that, in fact, they cannot exist without each other. Tara and Chris, I will not soon forget you. I have great hopes for your families’ resiliency, and I have so much gratitude for your influence on my life.

The world is a little bit dimmer and a little bit sadder without you both in it. I’m pretty confident that you’d be sending me some positive thoughts about the good things going on in my life, as much as I would send them to you. As much as I will be sending them to your families.

So I will unabashedly revel in the triumphs, joy and successes achieved by my children, myself, and by my friends and family, even while I grieve the loss of you both. And I have made a promise to extend myself, at least just a little bit more, to make sure that the people I know feel appreciated, heard, and cared about. As well as taking a little more time to pause, reflect, and value small and large moments as they happen.

Because, as we know…shit happens.

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

©The Twisted Maven, 2019

Say What?

(FYI, these are rando kids, not currently under my care)

“Babies aren’t savages, Toddlers understand language long before they can talk.” – Pamela Druckerman

I have been working part-time in a daycare/preschool for the past several months, and I have to say that this has been one of the most challenging (in a good way) and amazing jobs I’ve ever had.

I look forward to interacting with the tiny humans left in my charge, every single day. There’s so much that’s cute and funny, and there’s so much growth happening. It’s fascinating to be with them as they’re conducting their jobs of exploring, pushing boundaries, learning and socializing.

I do have my own kids, and have done and said some things that I never in a million years thought I’d be doing, hearing, or saying. But working with a group of young children brings it’s own level of events, routines, and more things that I really super duper never in a million years thought I’d be doing, hearing, or saying.

Here are a few:

Who pooped? Did you poop? (I say and hear this every single day, no lie)

Hold still, I need to wipe the boogers off your forehead. (how they got there, I have no idea, but they ain’t gonna stay there under my watch)

Dude, WHAT did you eat?

Wash your hands…wash your hands…wash your hands…

We don’t eat rocks!

Is that poop? That’s not poop, right? Okay, whew, that’s not poop.

Oh, THAT is poop.

Please stop running and take the bucket off your head.

Please don’t try to climb over the fence.

Please don’t climb on the windowsill.

Please don’t climb on the bookshelf.

Please don’t climb on your friends.

Please stop taking your clothes off!

Glue sticks go on the paper, not in our mouths!

Oh no! We don’t lick the paint brush.

Please stop licking the wall.

Please stop licking the window.

Where are your shoes?

Child: I have something! Me: What is it? Child: It’s a stick! Me: Let me see! (holds out my hands) Child: (drops giant hairy thousand legged scary bug in my palm) See??? Me: (suppressing a scream) oh…yes…so cool…(throws bug as far as I can, as soon as I can).

Why are you crying? (more often than not, there is liiiiiterally no reason, or it’s because: they think sand is in their shoe/their friend is crying/they don’t like their lunch/they want to play with all 10 trucks and are upset that they can’t carry them all)

Hey, inside voices please! (aka: OMG, please please please stop screaming at the top of your lungs for no reason)

Child: JENN!!! Me: Yes? Child: (runs and gives me a hug that nearly knocks me to the ground) Me: (smiles and hugs that kid and watches them wipe a decent amount of snot across my shoulder) (but whatever, their nose is now clean and I am going to throw that shirt in the wash as soon as I get home).

It is a wonderful and unique experience, guiding little ones through the mundane (toileting, lunchtime), the important (keeping them healthy and safe), the exciting (art projects, special guests and activities), the every day good stuff (learning the alphabet, numbers and colors), and the super fun stuff (creating a magical space filled with their artwork, singing silly songs that secretly teach them things like counting and sign language).

Listen, little kids should all be treasured, for they are full of humor and knowledge. We just have to listen. They are all worth all of our best efforts to help them grow, learn, and express themselves. Because our best hope is that what they learn and what they teach us will stick, as they grow into big kids and beyond.

Until next time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

©The Twisted Maven, 2019

Things You Need to Know, Child

“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.

Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.

Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.

So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?

On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.

All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.

I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:

1. I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.

2. Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.

3. I make mistakes. A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.

4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.

5. If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you. I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.

6. Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.

7. I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.

8. I love you both equally, but differently.

9. Birth order has something to do with it.

10. I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.

11. I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.

12. I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.

13. Same for table manners.

14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.

15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.

But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.

You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.

16. Brushing your teeth is actually really important.

17. Take care of your bodies. Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.

18. My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.

19. Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.

20. I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF. I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).

21. The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes? You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie. My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.

22. I will always have your back. It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.

23. You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to. Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.

24. I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.

My goodness, you two were, and still are, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

New Joy, Familiar Magic

“Joy, feeling one’s own value, being appreciated and loved by others, feeling useful and capable of production are all factors of enormous value for the human soul” – Maria Montessori

I have had a lot of different roles in my life thus far. Aside from familial roles, such as daughter, sister, mother, and aunt, I’ve had personal roles such as friend, grad student, friend-with-benefits, writer, runner, and coach. And aside from that, I’ve had numerous professional roles, many of which I have touched upon previously.

For those new to this space, a brief summary: I broke up with my former corporate career over 3 years ago. And while I floundered in some areas of my life, I did find purpose working with children as a teacher, coach and a team sports parent.

And I realized that I liked the person I was when I was teaching and coaching and spending time with children. After (sub?)consciously avoiding kids for two decades (even my own in some circumstances due to my so-called career goals), I came to appreciate how intelligent, kind, frustrating, creative, funny, stubborn and endearing children are.

I learned a few things working with kids, and being around my own kids more. I learned to be present. I learned to listen to what kids have to say. I learned how to pick up on subtle clues and ask pertinent questions in a classroom, at home, or on the practice field. I learned how to acknowledge good decisions and how to deal with less than desirable behavior and actions. And I learned that I should always be ready with a hug, fist bump, or high five for whomever deserves or needs it most, whether in my own family or as a teacher or coach.

So there was learning, there was processing, there was the thinking about what could, and should come next. And then…

While I was ruminating over what I could during the day, before my after school program obligations, besides sleep and think about maybe cleaning something, and continuing to struggle with the lack of structure for the majority of the daytime, I happened upon something.

In reading a humorous post by a local friend about what won’t get a person considered for employment (helpful hint: don’t brag that you were “gonna be a cow trainer” under Other Accomplishments), I found myself taking a moment to contemplate. For sure, I have never had cow training ambitions, so perhaps this could maybe, possibly, potentially, be something I could not only be considered for, but may actually be good at and enjoy.

That’s the moment when I felt the universe whisper to me to reach out, to take a chance that joy, purpose and stability could be within reach.

In part because I chose this place almost 15 years ago, and it chose me. I could clearly recall the first time I walked into this particular facility, and how I instantly felt the warmth, the creative vibe, the comfort, the positive energy, and love.

So I did it. I wrote a message, held my breath, and hit send. Fast forward through a couple of meetings, frank conversations, paperwork and more paperwork…and one moment when time slowed down. I was being shown around a second, newer facility, and I couldn’t stop smiling because of how comfortable, cheerful and inspiring this space felt. I mentioned those feelings to my potential future employer, and she looked at me and said, yes, you get the magic, you see why we do what we do.

That moment will stick with me for the rest of my life. That moment told me that this is absolutely right for me, right now. This was an opportunity to embrace something rewarding and fulfilling.

So I took a moment to appreciate what my former career taught me and say a respectful good-bye to it. I felt able to look forward with anticipation instead of backwards with anxiety. And then I dove right in to this new experience.

Now that it’s been over a month, I feel like it’s time to confidently declare my new occupation. So instead of sitting in an office, a cubicle, or worse yet, an “open concept” office space, rolling my eyes and falling asleep during conference calls, stressing over blown budgets, fighting for resources and dealing with corporate politics, I have been spending my time with…wait for it…

KIDS!!! Children. Toddlers. Babies. Pre Schoolers. And I LOVE IT.

The place that, years ago, I had chosen, that chose me back? It’s the childcare and preschool facility that my kids attended from infancy until grade school, while I toiled in an office miles and miles away.

I admit, I had an anxious passing thought that there was going to be some dark underbelly, some curtain that was going to be dramatically lifted to reveal an operation that varied wildly from my previous perception of the place. I, of course, created some pretty sensational scenes in my head…of preschoolers being made to darn socks, toddlers having to scrounge the waste bins of the restaurant next door for food, and one year-olds comprising the landscaping crew, while the directors sit in a red-lit cave/office, cackling while they gleefully count the gazillions of dollars, all in small bills, that they’re making off the backs of hard-working parents.

By the way, I don’t even know what darning socks is, and if it’s even been a thing since Laura Ingalls’ days on the prairie.

At any rate, I’m happy to report that NONE of the theatrics in my imagination come anywhere close to the truth.

The truth is, this place is exactly how it was presented to me as a parent some years ago. The people who work here, do so with pride and a level of care that is incredible. There really is so much love, ingenuity, vigilance, and thoughtful guidance for each and every child. I have only witnessed people doing their best every day to provide excellent care for children who aren’t theirs.

And now, that includes myself. I am delighted, surprised and gratified every day. I am grateful that I get to spend several hours each day with these small humans. I am enchanted by their smiles and their laughter. I am able to comfort them, nurture them, sing to them, read books with them, and do work that looks like play to teach them words, colors, numbers, gross and fine motor skills, and model how to interact with kindness.

Listen, contrary to what I (and perhaps you, too) once believed, life does not happen in a linear fashion. There is no if A, then B must be true formula outside of mathematics for most of us. Right now, I’m writing the next chapter of my life, and it doesn’t bear much resemblance to any of the previous chapters. I’ve learned to be okay with that.

For the first time in my life, I’m accepting that I honestly don’t know what life will look like a year from now. However, what I’m doing with my life right now is what counts, and I am finally making it count. I have gratitude, hope and joy in my life, which did come at some cost to my discretionary income, retirement plans and ability to travel. At the end of the day, though, I am not sorry about any of those things. For me, right now at least, smiles and satisfaction win over shopping and status.

March Forward, Women!

“There is a growing strength in women but it’s in the forehead, not the forearm” – Beverly Sills

The month of March is designated as Women’s History Month in several countries, inspired by International Women’s Day, occurring on March 8th. The day and the month are set aside to recognize of the contributions of women and to support gender equality.

The concept dates back to the early 20th century, when, in 1909, a National Women’s Day was observed in the United States, in recognition of the 1908 protests in New York City by garment workers against their poor working environment.

The idea spread across the pond to Europe and beyond over the the rest of the century, and in 1975, the United Nations designated March 8th as International Women’s Day.

This year, Women’s History Month honors “Visionary Women: Champions of Peace and Nonviolence.” According to the National Women’s History Alliance, “…the drive for nonviolent change has been championed by visionary women. These women consciously built supportive, nonviolent alternative and loving communities as well as advocating change.” I’ve been reading about the history of some of the women advocates, and it’s fascinating and inspiring.

The theme of this year’s International Women’s Day was the promotion of gender balance, in the workplace, in education, in communities, everywhere. Cool concept, right?

Although, if I’m being real, I don’t believe that kind of equity is not going to happen in the near future. While tremendous advances have been made with respect to gender equality over the past few decades, I fear that the current U.S. political atmosphere is going to do nothing to advance the cause of equality, and not just gender equality. In fact, I feel like it’s moving actively against it. I do hope, however, that we can stop the pendulum swing well before I get shipped off to the Colonies, and in time for my daughters to know greater parity in life than I have.

That said, this month and day needs to recognized, not so much as a celebration, but as a reminder to commit ourselves to lift one another up. A reminder that over half the world’s population is female, and therefore, the future has to be inclusive.

Pontification and politics aside, I would like to give a few shout-outs to the kinds of women who should be acknowledged during this month, as well as every single other month on the calendar:

The women working their way through post-secondary education efforts, whether it’s a technical or trade school, college, grad school or beyond. Those who are paying their bills and putting in their time, so they can make a contribution to the workforce as well as their families.

The survivors of sexual and domestic abuse, who were able to remove themselves and their children/siblings/parent from that situation. Also, to those women and girls who may not have a choice but to stay and endure, may they find the resources and strength to persevere and survive.

The women who provide knowledge, guidance and love and support to children who are not their own, every single day, as caretakers and teachers.

The divorced women who have every other weekend without their kids, and do what they want on those weekends off without guilt, knowing that when it’s their weekend “on”, there is no “off” button.

The women who are defying gender stereotypes in their chosen professions, whether as executives, blue collar workers, scientists, and everything else in between that has been traditionally male-dominated.

The women who have lost their spouses to violence, illness, or abandonment, who do their best every freaking day to maintain a healthy and happy household.

The women who have decided that getting married and/or having children is not for them. By the way, they have absolutely no need to hear, from anyone, that they’ll surely change their minds, else they will regret it when they’re older.

The women who stand up! The women who call out misogynistic behavior by their male co-workers, friends, family and strangers. Those who refuse to be bystanders, but rather, are stand-by-hers.

The women who are stay-at-home mothers, who decide to exit (or not enter) the workforce so that they can devote their time to their children and their household. As with the decision to not have children, this is not a situation to be judged or commented on.

The women who volunteer for schools, sports teams, libraries, and elsewhere in their communities and beyond, for the sole purpose of giving.

The women who disrupt! The women who put on pink hats and marched. The record number of women who have run for public office over the last couple of years, who are doing their best to tamp down the patriarchy. The women who start campaigns, take to the streets, address the government directly, and more, in order to defend basic human rights, women’s rights to biological autonomy, as well as our most vulnerable members of society.

The women who are unfailingly champions of other women. Those who mentor, support, and uplift; whether in academic, personal or professional settings.

The women of every day. The women you work with, are friends with, are related to. The women who ask if they can help you find anything while you’re shopping, the women who compassionately provide health services, the women who deliver food to your table while you’re dining out, the women who give you understanding nods and high-fives with their eyes when you’re struggling with a toddler tantrum in the grocery store, or a scornful teenager in a dressing room.

Please understand that this is by no means a comprehensive list of women who deserve acknowledgement. There are so many more that are occurring to me even as I write this, but this is at least a start.

So I ask you to take notice. See and understand the women around you. Notice the woman shopping next to you, who is wearing a beautiful skirt, and tell her. See the woman in the minivan in the drive through line ahead of you, and pay for her coffee and the muffins she’s getting for her kids. Hear the woman in your doctor’s office whose voice is straining as she’s being made to wait more than an hour for her appointment, and talk to her. Listen to your friend, who is saying she is fine, but her tone and body language is telling you something different. Ask the woman, who appears to be struggling with her packages at the post office, if you can assist her.

And kindly indulge me and thank your mom, your grandmother, your aunts, cousins, your best friends, and anyone else who has been an important woman in your life. Even if it’s a silent thought of gratitude, these are the kinds of women who have helped make YOU the undeniably unique, incredible woman that you are.

Lastly, I give you the words of A.A. Milne, speaking through Christopher Robin, as what you need to know about yourself: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know. “

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven