Adulting Archives - Page 3 of 5

Sh*t Hap–

“Without the experience of trouble, calamity, grief, and adversity, you would not have courage, strength, joy and patience.” – Nishan Panwar

Initially, I was going to write about how freaking exhausting, and yet joyful Spring is for parents of school aged children. However, my planned single-subject tirade was harshly interrupted. Because shit happens, right?

I arrived, late and halfheartedly, to my oldest child’s lacrosse game on a recent evening. I was feeling overwhelmed with All The Things To Be Done, wanting to be there and not wanting to be there in equal measure (and feeling the crushing guilt the not wanting to be there brings), and on the tail end of what felt like months, but was actually maybe an hour, of having my ears melted by my 9 year old’s never ending monologue of statements, emotions, and questions that demanded an immediate answer.

My cellphone rang, which it never does, except for appointment reminders and spam calls. I almost tapped that thingy on the side that silences calls, but I glanced at the caller ID. It was my best friend from college, one of very few people whom I could not, and would not, ever send to voicemail and tell them to text me instead.

I was greeted with a small “hi” and a deep breath, and I knew that I needed to walk away from the lacrosse field. She then informed me that our friend, our sorority sister, our college roommate, had passed away unexpectedly. I listened and could only murmur small words as she told me what happened. My heart started to break as I heard her sorrow and felt her same pain. I winced as she told me about how recently they had talked and how many times they had tried to get together, but, you know, shit happens, life is busy and there is always next time.

We discussed how unbelievable, how awful and how freaking sad it was that this woman, whose presence could command a room, whose laugh was infectious, who told the funniest jokes, who hid her pain from most of the world, who was on the 77th floor of the North Tower on 9/11 and made it out alive, who serenaded us endlessly in college with her rendition of “Something to Talk About”, who could turn a minor discomfort into a super urgent huge medical emergency, who loved her mom, who adored her child, who had just in the past few years found the love of her life and was living as her best self, had actually left us.

Two days later, I found myself tagged in a post disseminating the news about a high school friend who passed away the previous evening from a massive heart attack. Although I hadn’t physically seen him in over 20 years, we were close friends back in the day. He was funny, like FUNNY funny, and he had a generous heart and great kindness. He had, like my college friend, found love again and remarried within the last few years. He had also recently announced that his wife was expecting a baby boy, and this was some really awful shit that happened.

Here’s the thing; these events occurred while my oldest kid was in the playoffs for state champions for lacrosse, which was thrilling and time consuming. My youngest kid had just finished her season with Girls on the Run, and was also playing some exciting lacrosse games, which I was helping to coach. I hadn’t seen my suddenly deceased friends any time recently, although we had re-connected via social media within the last decade. So there were all these conflicted feelings and confusion; I wanted more than anything to be fully present for my kids and their good shit happening, but yet, here were these feelings, these losses which I felt acutely, but was struggling with how to process and where to put these feelings about this really bad shit that happened.

It was difficult for me to define and put perspective on my grief, and maybe this is an issue with social media. If I hadn’t reconnected with these people from my past through social media, I may or may not have had any connection with them at all. I may not have been reminded of our friendships and moments and years past when I saw their posts, I might have had no knowledge about their current lives, and perhaps wouldn’t have been able to rejoice in their happiness or grieve their deaths.

And that train of thought made me feel like my sorrow wasn’t justified, like I had no right to grieve for these people I had once been close to, or even feel bad for their families and friends that they had been more recently connected with. And I was concerned that if I stopped for a moment to process these events, that I would be less than present for important shit happening in my children’s lives. So I ended up spending a few days sad, confused, conflicted, not present and bogged down in my own shit.

And then…and it wasn’t a sudden epiphany, it was after seeking comfort, wisdom and conversation from and with friends and family…I realized that my feelings of grief were valid and worthy. And then I shouldn’t try to skirt around them, but embrace and move through them, so that I could be fully engaged with the shit happening in front of my face.

I allowed myself time. Time to think, time to cry, time to mentally thank these individuals for being a part of my life, for helping form who I am today. They may have no longer been a part of my day-to-day, but they certainly had their place in my life and in my heart. And I allowed myself to feel sorrow and concern for their families and other loved ones who may have no idea who I am now or was in the past to my friends.

And guess what? I’m still feeling sadness and loss, and it’s still going to take awhile to navigate this. However, I have also been able to appreciate the good shit happening. I’ve watched and felt great excitement and happiness about my girls’ team playing with heart and winning the state middle school lacrosse championship. I have been able to express my pride to my girl and gratitude to her coaches.

I was able to put my heart into coaching my other girls’ lacrosse team and feel happiness in their accomplishments and achievements. I have been able to function at my job and care for the small humans in my care with all of my abilities not only intact, but with intention and confidence.

Actual winning medal and trophy for actually winning.

Grief and joy can exist together. I’d venture to say that, in fact, they cannot exist without each other. Tara and Chris, I will not soon forget you. I have great hopes for your families’ resiliency, and I have so much gratitude for your influence on my life.

The world is a little bit dimmer and a little bit sadder without you both in it. I’m pretty confident that you’d be sending me some positive thoughts about the good things going on in my life, as much as I would send them to you. As much as I will be sending them to your families.

So I will unabashedly revel in the triumphs, joy and successes achieved by my children, myself, and by my friends and family, even while I grieve the loss of you both. And I have made a promise to extend myself, at least just a little bit more, to make sure that the people I know feel appreciated, heard, and cared about. As well as taking a little more time to pause, reflect, and value small and large moments as they happen.

Because, as we know…shit happens.

Until Next Time…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

©The Twisted Maven, 2019

Choice Equals Choices

“Because you are women, people will force their thinking on you…don’t live the shadows of people’s judgment. Make your own choices in the light of your own wisdom” – Amitabh Bachchan.

This piece was difficult to write, and I purposely chose not to include any graphics.

Let’s just say this month has been one of the longest years I’ve ever experienced. I feel as though I have an abundance of topics on my mind, which are as varied and scattered as my brain has been lately. There’s all these things happening, but one thing has overshadowed all of it.

It’s the fact that several states have now passed laws restricting abortion to the point that under no circumstances will it be legal to perform or have an abortion procedure without penalty to the impregnated or their health care provider.

At this point, I’m grateful that none of these laws will take effect immediately, and most will be challenged in higher courts. I hope women and organizations such as the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, as well as others, will fight against these draconian laws. I also hope that the judges in those cases will honestly and thoughtfully consider all of the facts. And that ultimately the courts will decide to uphold women’s rights make choices about their bodies, as well as access to health care.

I have to say that most of the outrage that I’ve observed over these restrictive anti-choice laws has been focused on victims of rape and/or incest, as well as pregnancies that compromise or endanger a woman’s or fetuses’ health.

To be honest, I feel like those emphases may be a bit excessive. Lest you think I’m a heartless asshole, let me say this: victims of sexual assault should absolutely be granted all of the medical, emotional and psychological support that they need, up to and beyond the right to terminate a pregnancy that has been forced upon them. And the same goes for women whose own health or fetuses may be compromised by carrying a baby to term.

Here’s my “however”: pregnancies terminated due to reported sexual assault and/or concern for the woman’s/fetuses health make up less than 3% of abortions performed each year. Yet, it seems to me that a disproportionate number of many of the pro-choice arguments have focused on this minority-by-a-lot demographic.

Here’s why I think that is: people who are pro-choice want to have the best reasons to support their stance, which is understandable. And the concept of a child or woman being forced to give birth to a baby borne of assault and without consent, or at grave risk to her health is truly abhorrent.

But I’d like to focus on the other 97 percent of women who elect to terminate pregnancies, at any point. I’d like to move beyond the obvious and into the uncomfortable. Because I feel like that is where the conversations and education need to happen.

The majority of legal abortions obtained in the United States happen because progressing with the pregnancy would adversely affect the woman’s life. Some of the specific reasons include financial instability, age, the desire to avoid single parenthood, not being emotionally/mentally ready for the responsibility of raising a child, and concern about how a baby would affect their entire life.

Does that make you uncomfortable? Are you thinking that, due to your own personal experiences and biases, that a “healthy” pregnancy should continue to term? Because the woman could choose adoption, because birth rates are falling, because women you know, or you yourself, want or wanted to have a baby, and have had to face great, heartbreaking adversity in trying to achieve their goal?

Understand that you are essentially comparing apples to oranges if that is your line of thinking. And let me offer a simple thought: why should a woman be forced to be pregnant against their will? Please let that question sink in. Read it again, and think about it.

Why should a woman be forced to be pregnant against her will? She shouldn’t.

Another way to consider it; one of the main arguments against a woman’s right to choose is that a fertilized human egg is that it is a human life that should be saved, preserved. What about other procedures to save human life? There are people who require blood transfusions, organ replacements, bone marrow infusions, in order to save their lives.

What do all of those procedures have in common? They are performed with the consent of the person saving those lives, through blood, organ and marrow donation, whether the donor is alive or dead.

So again, why would a person be forced to “save a life” against their will?

Pregnancy is an infinitely complex issue. It affects every single woman differently. When I had my children, I wanted to be pregnant, I loved being pregnant, my fertilized eggs were healthy and I was a fabulous pregnant woman. I was also in a stable relationship and financially secure. And if my two pregnancies were any indication, I could have borne many more children easily. I consciously choose not to, and because I had access to insurance and affordable birth control, that choice was simple.

But I have seen and/or heard of countless scenarios that where unlike mine. And had my circumstances been different, my choices may have also been different.

Here’s a hard truth: if abortions are made illegal, they will still happen, but without medical expertise and with great risk to the women and those who love them. At least, for those who are not financially privileged. Those with means will still and always be able to deal with unwanted pregnancies.

Personal anecdote: one of my ancestors had had an illegal abortion prior to Roe v.Wade. Which resulted in her death, and lead to her seven children being raised in an orphanage. This relative was uneducated, an immigrant, impoverished, and didn’t have the physical, financial or emotional capacity to add another child to her already overwhelmed life.

Consider this; if my ancestor had had access to legal and safe abortion services, and had legal autonomy over her body, she could have had a simple medical procedure and would have been able to continue raising her children. Think about the fact that the ripple effect of this one woman’s situation is affecting three and four generations since.

So here’s the uncomfortable truth; women choose to terminate pregnancies for myriad reasons, some of which may not jibe with your personal beliefs.

But to take away the ability to terminate any unwanted, traumatic, unhealthy, or otherwise compromised pregnancy will not significantly reduce abortions. Instead, they will be relegated to illegal locations, which could be unhealthy at the least, and deadly at the most. And those who will not be able to afford these illegal abortions are also those who cannot afford prenatal care, hospital expenses for the birth of their child, and the cost for the care of a baby.

So no matter your personal beliefs about the right to choose to abort a pregnancy, you cannot and should not impose them upon others. Women deserve autonomy over their bodies, their brains and their psyche. Access to health care and education should be a top priority, instead of ripping the rug out from under women.

Observations and studies have shown, time and time again, access to gynecological care and affordable birth control greatly reduces the incidence of unintended pregnancy and abortions.

Give women the power to make their own decisions about their bodies, you give them the power to make decisions about their entire lives.

And if that scares you, crawl under the rock where you belong. Otherwise, join hands, and let’s continue to fight and work for equality and autonomy for over half the world’s population.

If you stuck with me through all that, I thank you. I understand that this is a complicated subject, and I respect those opinions that vary from mine. However, the point I cannot step away from is forcing a woman to pregnant against her will. This is what I feel strongly about and is the basis for my entire argument to preserve a woman’s right to choose.

Please know that I welcome your thoughts, both opposing and in support.

In the meantime…

Just Breathe.

The Twisted Maven

Things You Need to Know, Child

“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.

Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.

Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.

So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?

On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.

All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.

I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:

1. I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.

2. Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.

3. I make mistakes. A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.

4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.

5. If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you. I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.

6. Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.

7. I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.

8. I love you both equally, but differently.

9. Birth order has something to do with it.

10. I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.

11. I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.

12. I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.

13. Same for table manners.

14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.

15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.

But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.

You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.

16. Brushing your teeth is actually really important.

17. Take care of your bodies. Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.

18. My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.

19. Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.

20. I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF. I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).

21. The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes? You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie. My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.

22. I will always have your back. It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.

23. You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to. Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.

24. I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.

My goodness, you two were, and still are, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

THE PURGE

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing” – Phyllis Diller

My imagined view of any room in my home.

Here’s the truth, and you know it: most of us hold onto too much crap and allow our homes to become cluttered. It’s not something that happens quickly, but over a few decades of life. From where I sit, in my office, at my computer, I can see albums and boxes of photographs (none of which have are from the past decade); a full set of china on display in a cabinet (I didn’t want formal china, but I gave in to pressure from older people and registered for it when I was getting married) (by the way, the fancy formal china has been used maybe five times in the past 16 years), a bin of craft supplies, a stack of 500 index cards, 30 pens and markers and pencils, four notebooks, six different objects with imprints of my children’s feet/hands when they were infants, and about a million tchotchkes placed every other available surface.

That’s a lot, and that’s just what’s in front of me right now. I decided about a year ago that a huge PURGE was necessary, so I’ve been going room by room in this not-very-big house of mine. I was partly inspired by the KonMari Method, and partly by the legendary comedian George Carlin, who joked (I’m paraphrasing) that our houses are just a places to keep our stuff, while we go out and work to get more stuff, until we need a bigger house to store all our stuff.

Honestly, I don’t need more stuff. I need less. Sure, at times I’ve felt pressure to “upgrade” my home to something that is more spacious, more fancy, with more rooms and a larger driveway and bigger everything. But when I dig deep into my emotional well, I realize I don’t need a house with more or bigger or larger right now. I just want this house to be more organized, and I’d like to shed the stuff that isn’t needed or wanted.

As for the KonMari Method, it postulates that anything that doesn’t bring you joy should be discarded. From old college tees to kitchen gadgets to stuff you stashed away for future use; all of it should be taken out, examined, and either found an accessible place in your home or thanked and discarded. For the stuff you keep, it should be stored and organized in specific ways; for instance, t-shirts should be folded and stored upright instead of flat, and old boxes should be re-purposed as drawer organizers.

In the course of writing this, I have also discovered the concept of döstädning, or Swedish Death Cleaning. This decluttering method does not have all the rules and processes that the KonMari Method has. It’s underlying message is this: don’t leave a freaking mess of your things for your family to deal with when you die.

And although I have reached a point in life where I think every illness, pain and momentary physical discomfort signals my imminent death, which of course my internet searches confirm, I decided that I can hold off on the Death Cleaning until at least my next round of organizing and cleaning, after my kids are no longer kids.

But overall, I can get on board with the concept of purging my home of items that are unused, grown out of, and unappreciated.

Well, except for the clothes that I haven’t worn in a few or more seasons, but I swear I will if I ever don’t wear only the same 7 pairs of sweats/leggings during the colder months, the same 6 pairs of shorts during the hotter months and the same 3 pairs of pants that don’t reach my ankles during the in-between seasons (what are we calling them now? cropped? capris? clam diggers?). Along with my various graphic, athletic and regular cotton tees. And an occasional sweater.

One side note; the idea of discarding everything that does not bring me joy is a little…I don’t know…extra. Dustrags don’t bring me joy, but they’re necessary. The sump pump that prevents my basement from flooding doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, but yet, I need it. I view toilet cleaner with dread, but again, I can’t NOT have it.

There are some things that I’m actually good at getting rid of, such as dried up markers (on the day I happened to realize a whole bin of dried up markers resided in my living room), and pieces of paper. I recycle the shit out of pieces of paper, even ones that I really need but don’t realize it until approximately three minutes after the recycling has been taken out.

Um. That’s it, really. I have a lot of things of sentimental value, tchotchkies I’ve picked up along the way, kids’ artwork from birth until now that I’m loathe to part with, pens from every bank, hotel and vendor I’ve ever breezed by, notebooks (I have a thing for volumes of blank paper), random stuff that finds its way into my home and never leaves, and anything I’ve ever gotten for free. Or even for some effort.

I will also admit, I am a collecter (hoarder) of books; I love books. I love my hardcover books with their dustcovers intact that haven’t even been read yet as much as those that have been read multiple times with broken in spines. I love the ebooks on my tablet and I never ever delete any of them; I love my paperback books with their ratty covers and busted up spines and questionable debris smudges on the pages (pizza grease? coffee stains? boogers?). Bottom line: I’m keeping my books.

However, one of the things that the KonMari Method insists on is getting rid of books. That no home should have more than thirty. I’m sorry, but anyone who would put a limit on the number of books I have in my home can just take that negativity and go elsewhere.

So even though I won’t throw out books and I have a large bin of more broken and unbroken crayons than any human could ever use, I have made progress, using the TM (Twisted Maven) Purge Method. Which looks like this:

Any time that my schedule (and that means: when I’m not working, sleeping, schlepping children, or doing other shit) allows, I take a corner, a closet, or a section of a room, and I start tossing what I find there in different directions.

One pile is recycling. This typically consists of two-plus year old New York Times Magazines that I truly meant to read; random pieces of paper such as notes about appointments, tasks, draft drawings and cryptic messages that I’ll never figure out the meaning of (along with really important information that I need…see above); old single use water bottles that creep up on me my from my office, underneath car seats and hidden in a pile of mismatched socks on my dresser, and; anything else I happen to come across that has a recycling triangle.

Another pile is for designated Passing Along. I have family and friends with younger children to whom I can to pass along some really awesome stuff that my daughters enjoyed when they were younger.

Yes, there is a garbage pile, but I try to keep the amount of stuff that I straight up discard to a future in a landfill to a minimum. This pile consists of anything I cannot recycle or pass along. Mostly random crap like pieces of string, dried up play-doh, anything gotten by twisting a quarter for a “prize” out of a metal chute, and, well, garbage.

And then there’s the donation pile, which typically ends up being the largest, because I hold onto shit for too long. And although I have donated clothes and household items to large charity organizations previously, I decided to try to seek out more local sources for items I no longer want or need.

To that end, I currently have a job that enables me to bring in toys, books, music and other kid-friendly materials that are no longer or have never been used in my house. I get to enjoy them, in some cases, all over again, with super amazing tiny humans that aren’t related to me!

I have also found local Facebook groups can be key to turning your discards into another persons’ treasure.

There are local “Upcycle” and “Free” sites, but the one I like the most is my local “Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing” group. If you do nothing else with your life on the day you read this, please please check out if such a group exists in your community. If so, then JOIN. If not, then consider creating your own.

The concept is simple. If you have stuff you want to get rid of, post it on the site. If you have things you need, ask on the site. But what makes this a little different is the concept of creating a feeling of community, of offering up and asking for not just material objects.

Besides actual items, other things that can be offered/asked for on a Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing site: transportation for elderly/handicapped individuals, excess produce from a home garden, volunteers for a community clean-up, plantings for/from one’s yard, coupons for infant formula, pet sitting, event tickets, and so on.

In addition, I’ve seen people who have received items turn around and offer them back up when they are ready to pass them along. And, occasionally, people get to know and befriend people from their own neighborhood and beyond. And you can’t put a price on human connection.

Personally, I was able to find good homes for board games, kitchen gadgets, office items, clothing, and other miscellany. It also gave me an outlet to dispense some humor with my item descriptions. The feedback I received that I made someone laugh or smile meant more to me than ridding my closet of my purged items.

The items I didn’t have any takers on were bacon-muffin molds. They’re still languishing in my closet, awaiting the next purge round.

That said, I feel like I may have just landed on my first giveaway. I know and you know you want these bacon muffin molds. Send me a PM or comment below about why you deserve these pieces of magic more than anyone. I’ll pick a winner based on the messages that amuse me most, and will send them with no cost to you. I’ll announce the winner previous to my next post.

Take-aways: we accumulate too much crap. We should get rid of our excess crap. Someone else might be able to use our crap that we do not want or need. Give local. Don’t do a death purge until you’re reasonably certain that you’re actually dying…but then, only of old age.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

New Joy, Familiar Magic

“Joy, feeling one’s own value, being appreciated and loved by others, feeling useful and capable of production are all factors of enormous value for the human soul” – Maria Montessori

I have had a lot of different roles in my life thus far. Aside from familial roles, such as daughter, sister, mother, and aunt, I’ve had personal roles such as friend, grad student, friend-with-benefits, writer, runner, and coach. And aside from that, I’ve had numerous professional roles, many of which I have touched upon previously.

For those new to this space, a brief summary: I broke up with my former corporate career over 3 years ago. And while I floundered in some areas of my life, I did find purpose working with children as a teacher, coach and a team sports parent.

And I realized that I liked the person I was when I was teaching and coaching and spending time with children. After (sub?)consciously avoiding kids for two decades (even my own in some circumstances due to my so-called career goals), I came to appreciate how intelligent, kind, frustrating, creative, funny, stubborn and endearing children are.

I learned a few things working with kids, and being around my own kids more. I learned to be present. I learned to listen to what kids have to say. I learned how to pick up on subtle clues and ask pertinent questions in a classroom, at home, or on the practice field. I learned how to acknowledge good decisions and how to deal with less than desirable behavior and actions. And I learned that I should always be ready with a hug, fist bump, or high five for whomever deserves or needs it most, whether in my own family or as a teacher or coach.

So there was learning, there was processing, there was the thinking about what could, and should come next. And then…

While I was ruminating over what I could during the day, before my after school program obligations, besides sleep and think about maybe cleaning something, and continuing to struggle with the lack of structure for the majority of the daytime, I happened upon something.

In reading a humorous post by a local friend about what won’t get a person considered for employment (helpful hint: don’t brag that you were “gonna be a cow trainer” under Other Accomplishments), I found myself taking a moment to contemplate. For sure, I have never had cow training ambitions, so perhaps this could maybe, possibly, potentially, be something I could not only be considered for, but may actually be good at and enjoy.

That’s the moment when I felt the universe whisper to me to reach out, to take a chance that joy, purpose and stability could be within reach.

In part because I chose this place almost 15 years ago, and it chose me. I could clearly recall the first time I walked into this particular facility, and how I instantly felt the warmth, the creative vibe, the comfort, the positive energy, and love.

So I did it. I wrote a message, held my breath, and hit send. Fast forward through a couple of meetings, frank conversations, paperwork and more paperwork…and one moment when time slowed down. I was being shown around a second, newer facility, and I couldn’t stop smiling because of how comfortable, cheerful and inspiring this space felt. I mentioned those feelings to my potential future employer, and she looked at me and said, yes, you get the magic, you see why we do what we do.

That moment will stick with me for the rest of my life. That moment told me that this is absolutely right for me, right now. This was an opportunity to embrace something rewarding and fulfilling.

So I took a moment to appreciate what my former career taught me and say a respectful good-bye to it. I felt able to look forward with anticipation instead of backwards with anxiety. And then I dove right in to this new experience.

Now that it’s been over a month, I feel like it’s time to confidently declare my new occupation. So instead of sitting in an office, a cubicle, or worse yet, an “open concept” office space, rolling my eyes and falling asleep during conference calls, stressing over blown budgets, fighting for resources and dealing with corporate politics, I have been spending my time with…wait for it…

KIDS!!! Children. Toddlers. Babies. Pre Schoolers. And I LOVE IT.

The place that, years ago, I had chosen, that chose me back? It’s the childcare and preschool facility that my kids attended from infancy until grade school, while I toiled in an office miles and miles away.

I admit, I had an anxious passing thought that there was going to be some dark underbelly, some curtain that was going to be dramatically lifted to reveal an operation that varied wildly from my previous perception of the place. I, of course, created some pretty sensational scenes in my head…of preschoolers being made to darn socks, toddlers having to scrounge the waste bins of the restaurant next door for food, and one year-olds comprising the landscaping crew, while the directors sit in a red-lit cave/office, cackling while they gleefully count the gazillions of dollars, all in small bills, that they’re making off the backs of hard-working parents.

By the way, I don’t even know what darning socks is, and if it’s even been a thing since Laura Ingalls’ days on the prairie.

At any rate, I’m happy to report that NONE of the theatrics in my imagination come anywhere close to the truth.

The truth is, this place is exactly how it was presented to me as a parent some years ago. The people who work here, do so with pride and a level of care that is incredible. There really is so much love, ingenuity, vigilance, and thoughtful guidance for each and every child. I have only witnessed people doing their best every day to provide excellent care for children who aren’t theirs.

And now, that includes myself. I am delighted, surprised and gratified every day. I am grateful that I get to spend several hours each day with these small humans. I am enchanted by their smiles and their laughter. I am able to comfort them, nurture them, sing to them, read books with them, and do work that looks like play to teach them words, colors, numbers, gross and fine motor skills, and model how to interact with kindness.

Listen, contrary to what I (and perhaps you, too) once believed, life does not happen in a linear fashion. There is no if A, then B must be true formula outside of mathematics for most of us. Right now, I’m writing the next chapter of my life, and it doesn’t bear much resemblance to any of the previous chapters. I’ve learned to be okay with that.

For the first time in my life, I’m accepting that I honestly don’t know what life will look like a year from now. However, what I’m doing with my life right now is what counts, and I am finally making it count. I have gratitude, hope and joy in my life, which did come at some cost to my discretionary income, retirement plans and ability to travel. At the end of the day, though, I am not sorry about any of those things. For me, right now at least, smiles and satisfaction win over shopping and status.