Family Archives - Page 3 of 3 - The Twisted Maven

Things You Need to Know, Child

“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.

Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.

Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.

So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?

On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.

All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.

I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:

1. I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.

2. Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.

3. I make mistakes. A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.

4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.

5. If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you. I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.

6. Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.

7. I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.

8. I love you both equally, but differently.

9. Birth order has something to do with it.

10. I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.

11. I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.

12. I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.

13. Same for table manners.

14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.

15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.

But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.

You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.

16. Brushing your teeth is actually really important.

17. Take care of your bodies. Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.

18. My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.

19. Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.

20. I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF. I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).

21. The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes? You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie. My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.

22. I will always have your back. It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.

23. You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to. Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.

24. I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.

My goodness, you two were, and still are, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

THE PURGE

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing” – Phyllis Diller

My imagined view of any room in my home.

Here’s the truth, and you know it: most of us hold onto too much crap and allow our homes to become cluttered. It’s not something that happens quickly, but over a few decades of life. From where I sit, in my office, at my computer, I can see albums and boxes of photographs (none of which have are from the past decade); a full set of china on display in a cabinet (I didn’t want formal china, but I gave in to pressure from older people and registered for it when I was getting married) (by the way, the fancy formal china has been used maybe five times in the past 16 years), a bin of craft supplies, a stack of 500 index cards, 30 pens and markers and pencils, four notebooks, six different objects with imprints of my children’s feet/hands when they were infants, and about a million tchotchkes placed every other available surface.

That’s a lot, and that’s just what’s in front of me right now. I decided about a year ago that a huge PURGE was necessary, so I’ve been going room by room in this not-very-big house of mine. I was partly inspired by the KonMari Method, and partly by the legendary comedian George Carlin, who joked (I’m paraphrasing) that our houses are just a places to keep our stuff, while we go out and work to get more stuff, until we need a bigger house to store all our stuff.

Honestly, I don’t need more stuff. I need less. Sure, at times I’ve felt pressure to “upgrade” my home to something that is more spacious, more fancy, with more rooms and a larger driveway and bigger everything. But when I dig deep into my emotional well, I realize I don’t need a house with more or bigger or larger right now. I just want this house to be more organized, and I’d like to shed the stuff that isn’t needed or wanted.

As for the KonMari Method, it postulates that anything that doesn’t bring you joy should be discarded. From old college tees to kitchen gadgets to stuff you stashed away for future use; all of it should be taken out, examined, and either found an accessible place in your home or thanked and discarded. For the stuff you keep, it should be stored and organized in specific ways; for instance, t-shirts should be folded and stored upright instead of flat, and old boxes should be re-purposed as drawer organizers.

In the course of writing this, I have also discovered the concept of döstädning, or Swedish Death Cleaning. This decluttering method does not have all the rules and processes that the KonMari Method has. It’s underlying message is this: don’t leave a freaking mess of your things for your family to deal with when you die.

And although I have reached a point in life where I think every illness, pain and momentary physical discomfort signals my imminent death, which of course my internet searches confirm, I decided that I can hold off on the Death Cleaning until at least my next round of organizing and cleaning, after my kids are no longer kids.

But overall, I can get on board with the concept of purging my home of items that are unused, grown out of, and unappreciated.

Well, except for the clothes that I haven’t worn in a few or more seasons, but I swear I will if I ever don’t wear only the same 7 pairs of sweats/leggings during the colder months, the same 6 pairs of shorts during the hotter months and the same 3 pairs of pants that don’t reach my ankles during the in-between seasons (what are we calling them now? cropped? capris? clam diggers?). Along with my various graphic, athletic and regular cotton tees. And an occasional sweater.

One side note; the idea of discarding everything that does not bring me joy is a little…I don’t know…extra. Dustrags don’t bring me joy, but they’re necessary. The sump pump that prevents my basement from flooding doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, but yet, I need it. I view toilet cleaner with dread, but again, I can’t NOT have it.

There are some things that I’m actually good at getting rid of, such as dried up markers (on the day I happened to realize a whole bin of dried up markers resided in my living room), and pieces of paper. I recycle the shit out of pieces of paper, even ones that I really need but don’t realize it until approximately three minutes after the recycling has been taken out.

Um. That’s it, really. I have a lot of things of sentimental value, tchotchkies I’ve picked up along the way, kids’ artwork from birth until now that I’m loathe to part with, pens from every bank, hotel and vendor I’ve ever breezed by, notebooks (I have a thing for volumes of blank paper), random stuff that finds its way into my home and never leaves, and anything I’ve ever gotten for free. Or even for some effort.

I will also admit, I am a collecter (hoarder) of books; I love books. I love my hardcover books with their dustcovers intact that haven’t even been read yet as much as those that have been read multiple times with broken in spines. I love the ebooks on my tablet and I never ever delete any of them; I love my paperback books with their ratty covers and busted up spines and questionable debris smudges on the pages (pizza grease? coffee stains? boogers?). Bottom line: I’m keeping my books.

However, one of the things that the KonMari Method insists on is getting rid of books. That no home should have more than thirty. I’m sorry, but anyone who would put a limit on the number of books I have in my home can just take that negativity and go elsewhere.

So even though I won’t throw out books and I have a large bin of more broken and unbroken crayons than any human could ever use, I have made progress, using the TM (Twisted Maven) Purge Method. Which looks like this:

Any time that my schedule (and that means: when I’m not working, sleeping, schlepping children, or doing other shit) allows, I take a corner, a closet, or a section of a room, and I start tossing what I find there in different directions.

One pile is recycling. This typically consists of two-plus year old New York Times Magazines that I truly meant to read; random pieces of paper such as notes about appointments, tasks, draft drawings and cryptic messages that I’ll never figure out the meaning of (along with really important information that I need…see above); old single use water bottles that creep up on me my from my office, underneath car seats and hidden in a pile of mismatched socks on my dresser, and; anything else I happen to come across that has a recycling triangle.

Another pile is for designated Passing Along. I have family and friends with younger children to whom I can to pass along some really awesome stuff that my daughters enjoyed when they were younger.

Yes, there is a garbage pile, but I try to keep the amount of stuff that I straight up discard to a future in a landfill to a minimum. This pile consists of anything I cannot recycle or pass along. Mostly random crap like pieces of string, dried up play-doh, anything gotten by twisting a quarter for a “prize” out of a metal chute, and, well, garbage.

And then there’s the donation pile, which typically ends up being the largest, because I hold onto shit for too long. And although I have donated clothes and household items to large charity organizations previously, I decided to try to seek out more local sources for items I no longer want or need.

To that end, I currently have a job that enables me to bring in toys, books, music and other kid-friendly materials that are no longer or have never been used in my house. I get to enjoy them, in some cases, all over again, with super amazing tiny humans that aren’t related to me!

I have also found local Facebook groups can be key to turning your discards into another persons’ treasure.

There are local “Upcycle” and “Free” sites, but the one I like the most is my local “Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing” group. If you do nothing else with your life on the day you read this, please please check out if such a group exists in your community. If so, then JOIN. If not, then consider creating your own.

The concept is simple. If you have stuff you want to get rid of, post it on the site. If you have things you need, ask on the site. But what makes this a little different is the concept of creating a feeling of community, of offering up and asking for not just material objects.

Besides actual items, other things that can be offered/asked for on a Buy Nothing/Sell Nothing site: transportation for elderly/handicapped individuals, excess produce from a home garden, volunteers for a community clean-up, plantings for/from one’s yard, coupons for infant formula, pet sitting, event tickets, and so on.

In addition, I’ve seen people who have received items turn around and offer them back up when they are ready to pass them along. And, occasionally, people get to know and befriend people from their own neighborhood and beyond. And you can’t put a price on human connection.

Personally, I was able to find good homes for board games, kitchen gadgets, office items, clothing, and other miscellany. It also gave me an outlet to dispense some humor with my item descriptions. The feedback I received that I made someone laugh or smile meant more to me than ridding my closet of my purged items.

The items I didn’t have any takers on were bacon-muffin molds. They’re still languishing in my closet, awaiting the next purge round.

That said, I feel like I may have just landed on my first giveaway. I know and you know you want these bacon muffin molds. Send me a PM or comment below about why you deserve these pieces of magic more than anyone. I’ll pick a winner based on the messages that amuse me most, and will send them with no cost to you. I’ll announce the winner previous to my next post.

Take-aways: we accumulate too much crap. We should get rid of our excess crap. Someone else might be able to use our crap that we do not want or need. Give local. Don’t do a death purge until you’re reasonably certain that you’re actually dying…but then, only of old age.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Gratitude Raditude

“Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.” – Henry Ward Beecher

I don’t get a lot of opportunity to spend time alone in the car at this point in my life, but when I do, and it’s for more than 15 minutes, I’m listening to podcasts. Some of my favorites include You Are Not So Smart (because I like learning about how our brains mess with us), With Friends Like These (because I like hearing points of view that vary from mine in a respectful, non-hostile manner), Pod Save America (because I crave information and humor in and about our current political climate), and Freakonomics.

In case you are unfamiliar, Freakonomics basically takes apart, analyzes, and explains stuff. Like gender differences in the workplace, why people hate flying (and why they shouldn’t), how to be more productive, why you should get enough sleep, and one I listened to a couple of years ago, “Why Is My Life So Hard?”.

Among other things, it discusses the broad topic of gratitude. It’s not much of a secret that purposefully practicing gratitude, something as simple as a daily notation of something that one is grateful for, demonstrated benefits. Aside from just making sense, there is research that documents those benefits of gratitude, including improvements to relationships, physical health, mental health, self-esteem and sleep habits, as well as reduced aggression and heightened empathy.

So with all of those benefits, why isn’t EVERYONE practicing gratitude daily? Why is something so easy not widely practiced? Well, for one, our brains aren’t wired that way. In relation to the practice of gratitude, this Freakonomics episode discusses something called the “Headwinds/Tailwinds Asymetry”, which is also the title of a research paper published by a couple of really smart psychologists, Tom Gilovich and Shai Davidai.

The gist of headwinds/tailwinds asymmetry is that it’s easier for people to ignore the good things in their lives, to take them for granted (“tailwinds”), while giving more of their energy and attention to perceived obstacles and negatives in their lives (“headwinds”).

Why? Because we don’t have to pay attention to those things that make our lives good. We generally simply adapt our world view to make the good things part of the background, what is just assumed to be a part of our lives. Gilovich and Daviai call those “the invisibles”, the things that we can and should be grateful for, but often just don’t see.

This resonated with me, and I picked up a book, called “Micro-Resilience”, written by Bonnie St. John and Allen P. Haines. Chapter 4 is titled “Reframe Your Attitude”, which discusses the benefits of positive thinking and the science behind it, and provides suggestions and resources to help diminish negative thoughts and enhance positive ones, and how that can bring about actual change in one’s life.

All of this is to say that I am grateful (see what I did there?) that I have come across some resources that delve into the science of gratitude and positive thinking. Because, honestly it is something I struggle with; I’ve started and stopped what I intended to be a daily gratitude journal about 6 times. And each time, without fail, I have dropped it after my fifth non-consecutive entry of “I am grateful for coffee”.

I now recognize that it is far easier for me to overlook the importance of the “invisibles” in my life (e.g., my children have access to a quality education, I am able to afford a mortgage payment, I have single-stream recycling, I have internet access most of the time) than the perceived obstacles (e.g., everything that I wish I had more of, less of, or better than it is now).

So now I’m going to try to take a moment every day, or at least once or twice a week and really think about some of the apparent and invisible things I’m grateful for. And I’m not going to treat it as a self-inflicted obligation. I will attempt to recognize the tailwinds more, and not dwell so much on the headwinds. And just see what happens.

Grateful for this one (almost) every dang day…

Lastly, dear reader, I’d love to know if you practice gratitude regularly, how you do it, and if you get caught up in your headwinds.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Job Loss = Life Gain

“The Universe will lead me to where I’m supposed to be.”

I agree that I am more than any career or job I may have.

“I am, after all, an adult, a grown man, a useful human being, even though I lost the career that made me all these things. I won’t make that mistake again.” – Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Losing a job can be, and is, so many different things. For some, it’s a wake up call. For others, it’s complete devastation. Or it’s an opportunity to explore new options. Or a door closing. Or the chance to retire early. Or the time to develop hobbies and work on languishing home projects. Or the loss of health insurance. Or the cue get back in the game. Or, perhaps, a combination of any/all of the above.

I’m no stranger to job loss. I started working at a very young age, and had about 15 different jobs by the time I graduated from college. But the first job I recall being fired from was post-college. While trying to find a job in my major, I took a job at a clothing retailer. I was a model employee; I organized the shelves and racks, assisted customers on the floor, processed purchases and returns, and followed the company guidelines regarding appearance and attitude to a T.

Then, one day I wasn’t feeling great but went to work anyway, and got progressively sicker during the day. It was a weekend shift, which meant it was moderately busy, and there were three of us on the floor. I hinted at leaving early because I was sneezing and coughing all over the cash register and customers, and I was told no. So, FINE, being the mature 21-year old that I was, I sucked it up and stayed. And then whined incessantly that I wanted to leave. Because of that mature 21-year old thing I had going on.

This apparently annoyed the “assistant manager”, who had literally just graduated from high school a few months earlier. That’s right, a large chain retail clothing store was left in the questionably qualified hands of an 18 year old boy, with a pissy barely adult me and an actual adult woman was just there for the paycheck. Whilst I was complaining about how awful I felt, the manager-boy came up to the register and told me to shut up and do my job. And not in a kind way.

Now, those who know me well can anticipate how I reacted to that. My own family members wouldn’t dare speak to me like that. And while I don’t remember exactly what I said, it was probably along the lines of “f*ck you”. What I DO remember is being told that if I was going to have THAT kind of attitude, I could leave.

It was a bluff, an attempt to shut me up, to humiliate me in front of the long line at the register. So I looked at the customers, looked at my fellow cashier, smiled at that child in his too-short tie and “assistant manager” tag, and walked out the door. Now that I think about it, I don’t know that it was so much getting fired as it was quitting. Either way, I never went back.

Believe it or not, I did manage to land on my feet after the Great Retail Walkout, and even crafted a relatively decent career that lasted for two decades. I even went to graduate school! Yay me!

But then, a few years ago, I had what could be described as a mutual breakup with my 20+ year career. Was I devastated? Yes and also no. The devastation came well before my actual departure, when the career I had spent so many years building stagnated and started to backslide, and I felt completely powerless. Once the self-doubt and despondency took up permanent residence in my psyche, I could no longer find joy or purpose in what I was doing. So to be honest, when I was offered and accepted a separation from my job, what I felt was relief.

After my career and I had our conscious uncoupling, life became very different. I was at home for the first time since my kids were born, which was equal parts wonderful and aggravating. The joy in being able to spend so much time with my kids was counterbalanced with…spending so much time with my kids.

Typical of when I ask to get a nice picture of the two of them.

I’ve also been able to take on various part time employment and volunteer opportunities that have been fun, challenging, incredibly fulfilling, and even life changing.

I’ve facilitated after school and summer science programs, which involves bringing the magic of science to elementary school children. I’ve been able to teach lessons about how our world works, along with engineering, math, the universe, light, heat, optical illusions, critical thinking, and the science of farts. Farts!

I’ve also worked as a substitute teacher, which has provided me with many memorable and enjoyable and eye-opening moments. To sum up: teaching math to 5th graders is hard, middle schoolers are kind of the worst, high schoolers are the easiest, and kindergartners, with all their snot and tears and nose picking, are still absolutely my most favorite people ever ever. Because they’re cute.

More importantly, I’ve been able to attend more events for my daughters, as well as volunteer to help with their sports teams and other activities. And one of the most important things I have been able to do is volunteer for Girls on the Run. Stay tuned for more about this amazing organization.

So while I was thinking about this piece, I listed out all of the jobs that I can remember, going all the way back to 9th grade when I packed rice containers for a Chinese restaurant. In addition to the jobs I’ve mentioned above, my working life has also included restaurants and bars, retail, the deli where I lost a small section of my left pinky in the meat slicer, offices, night club promotions (giving away cigarettes in bars at the Jersey Shore, circa 1992…holy moly do I have stories for weeks…), non-profits, freelance writing, editing, and transcribing, and who knows what’s next??

All told, there are over 20 different types of jobs that I’ve had, which makes the number of actual jobs that I’ve had total somewhere in the 30’s. That seems like a lot to me, is that a lot? I don’t even know.

At this point, I feel like I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. But being granted the gift of time in order to explore what makes my soul happy and to dedicate more of myself to my family has been pretty incredible. Opportunities have presented themselves to my open eyes and ears continually, as recently as this week. While I’m not particularly into mysticism or other weird shit, I have been feeling like The Universe will lead me to where I’m supposed to be, and it will likely be nothing like where I’ve been.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven