Self care Archives - Page 2 of 2

Things You Need to Know, Child

“Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver

Frequently, I get the impression that my children are not listening to much, if anything, that I say. Now that they are in the tweenish and teen years, I spend more time talking to the backs of their heads as they are on their way to doing something way more important than listening to Mama.

Sure, they do still talk to me, but our conversations are relatively brief, during dinner, just before bedtime, the fleeting moments we have on weekends when they’re not with friends/playing sports/ignoring me like it’s their job.

Side note: we do NOT have significant conversations in the mornings, because all of us are pissed off about being awake and having to do the things.

So, how do tell them things? Impart words of wisdom? Show how much I love them? Remind them that I’m onto their attempts at bullshitting me? Instill traditional and my personal versions of motherly intuition and intellect?

On the internet, of course! Because years and years from now, these words will still be out there to remind them of several possible things: that I was the weirdest and most annoying mother ever; that I totally outed some of their and my own most embarrassing moments; that I foisted unrealistic expectations upon them about academics, arts and athletics ; and I was so overprotective because I always wanted to know where they were and who they were with and what they were doing.

All of which is kind of true, but I really hope they see my words and are reminded that their Mama always supported them, encouraged them, pushed them to be better people, accepted them as they are, and above all, LOVED THEM more than anything.

I’ve written a couple of earlier versions of this, when I was blogging for a now-defunct website that I so loved being a part of. But it’s time for an update. So, without further ado, here is a list of what my children Need to Know, now and always:

1. I’m not stupid. You have your tells, and I know them.

2. Those times when I’m super frustrated with the fighting/defiance/attitude and I threaten to run away…you should take me at least a little bit seriously.

3. I make mistakes. A lot. But I do my best to set an example by owning those mistakes and saying the words, “I’m sorry”. Understand that that simple phrase, when warranted and delivered with sincerity, can make an immediate difference.

4. Saying “I’m sorry” when it’s NOT warranted can be damaging. Don’t ever apologize for your intelligence, determination, sensitivity, opinions, or actions you take to help someone or better yourself.

5. If an intruder or a fire or other danger ever enters our house, I will take care of you. I have obsessed about this enough to have put everything physically and mentally in place to ensure your safety.

6. Stop trying to compete with each other about who my favorite child is. It changes daily, mostly based on which one of you is the least challenging. But honestly, I will always love you BOTH more than you can fathom.

7. I had the two of you so that you’d be there for each other when I am no longer here for you.

8. I love you both equally, but differently.

9. Birth order has something to do with it.

10. I acknowledge and respect your desire for privacy. But if I walk in your room while you’re changing and I see your butt, don’t freak out. I have seen your butt countless times before. I know what it’s capable of. Seriously, I’m your MOM, so just chill.

11. I’ve forgotten all but the most basic of math equations. And I mean, if you’re coming to me with anything more advanced than long division, just don’t. Oh, but do circle back to me with geometry and statistics, because that’s my jam. Bother your father with trigonometry and algebra.

12. I will never stop correcting your grammar, word pronunciations, and sentence structures.

13. Same for table manners.

14. Don’t give in to peer pressure to drink, use tobacco, share too much on social media, do drugs or have sex. Yes, I know that is a long list. And yes, I also know that I was not completely honest about things when you were younger (e.g., when you asked me where babies come out of when you were four, I said they explode out of the mommies’ belly buttons like KA-POW! with tons of glitter and musical accompaniment), but I will have frank conversations with you about those topics listed above.

15. Some of the items listed in #16 are not completely verboten once a person reaches a certain age and/or maturity level. As much as I’d love to stop time sometimes, I also want to support your growth and maturation. This is a tough one, because I want you confidently avoid things like alcohol, sex and drugs for the next several years and maybe forever. I don’t want you to experiment with these kinds of things as your form of teenage rebellion. I’d much rather you skip school to go to a concert or Ferris Bueller the hell out of a day.

But bad decisions and dabbling in what seems risky are often part of growing up, and I know that. Please just know that I am always, always here for you, and I will collect you from any situation that you need to be collected from. I’m only minutes away.

You also need to know that I did some really dumb shit in my teen and early adult years, so if you ever think, my Mom will never understand…try me.

16. Brushing your teeth is actually really important.

17. Take care of your bodies. Feed, exercise and treat your body properly.

18. My job is to keep you safe, keep you healthy, and to do my best to make sure you aren’t assholes now and in the future.

19. Keeping your ears open and your mouth shut will enable you to gain more in knowledge, friendships, trust and valuable advice than running your mouth ever will.

20. I’m not your BFF, I’m not even your FF or BF. I’m your MOM. Tell me what you want to tell me and keep the secrets you want to keep (but know that I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO).

21. The exasperated looks I give your Grammie sometimes? You’ll give them to me. But you need to know that she has always been the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life, along with your Poppie. My goal is to give you at least as much support and love as they gave me…and if you get that, you are a very lucky child indeed.

22. I will always have your back. It is one of the best gifts my parents gave to me, and I promise to give that gift to you.

23. You are smart, talented, strong and beautiful and can do anything you put your mind to. Just please value your mind above everything else. Never stop learning and never stop wanting to learn.

24. I. WILL. ALWAYS. LOVE. YOU. MORE.

My goodness, you two were, and still are, so beautiful.

Until Next Time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Staying Informed Without Becoming Disconnected – A Guide

“It’s easy to be cynical about American politics. It’s more important not to be.” – Andy Dunn

If you’re sort of like me, those clever social media algorithms have got your feeds chock full of political posts. Along with ads for products or services that you’ve only thought about in passing and then BOOM, there’s ads for clothing, skin care products, and men’s underwear that purports to keep the Senate and House high and dry and in their proper places alongside the Executive Branch.

If you’re actually like me, whenever you check your social media pages or email, you are barraged with the the crazy, unbelievable, shocking, mostly-true-but-sure-some-is-exaggerated, awful things happening in our society because of, encouraged by, or not discouraged by, the current U.S. administration. Or, if you’re on the other side of the political spectrum, how freaking awesome our current president is. (Personal aside: he’s not freaking awesome.)

And if you are me, you’ve found yourself overwhelmed by all of the information, but you keep reading, taking mental notes, checking sources, sharing, and before you know it, it’s time to make dinner and you’re so mentally exhausted that cooking something that doesn’t involve the microwave is just too much.

I have been thisclose to being burnt out on news and politics and social issues for longer than I care to admit. But my inner voice, my inner liberal, feminist voice keeps urging me to stay vigilant, keep up the good fight, and for heaven’s sake DO SOMETHING! But…what do I do? How do I do it? Where do I start? What can I do? I could seriously spend all of my time being an activist and advocate, but my family would be homeless and how would I get anything else done?

If you’ve been asking yourself any of these questions, regardless of the side of the political aisle you are on, please read on, because I’ve got some suggestions on how to stay informed and be an advocate for your social and political beliefs, without neglecting the entire rest of your life.

Seek out what amuses you.
For me, this is a big priority, as I wrote about recently. If I go a day without laughing, it’s a really bad sign for those around me. I have a couple of friends with whom I exchange punny jokes, other friends who send me hilarious memes nearly every day, family members who send me pictures and videos of what they’re up to (I have really adorable and hilarious human nieces as well as some adorable and hilarious doggos in my family), and groups and individuals that I communicate with in various forums who keep me informed, grounded and can make me giggle until I snort or cry or both.

Know your news sources.
Please do this. There is so much information out there, and it is easy to read piece after piece that you get yourself in a tizzy and can’t even tell what is fact and what is opinion.

There have been several charts in circulation that indicate where several news sources fall on the factual and political leanings spectrum, such as the one created by Media Bias (Google it!). If you want unbiased and thorough news, you can see which sources are the strongest in that area. If you want to read stuff that reinforces your personal, completely biased and narrow worldview, then head all the way to the right or the left (okay, but please don’t do that).

Personally, I stick with the as-thorough-and-unbiased-as-possible as my go-tos, as well as my verification sources for information I may read from sources outside that bubble.

Be present.
This isn’t very difficult, but it also isn’t very difficult to NOT be present. I’ve done it. I’ve read an article that someone has shared, based solely on the headline, then the comments on the article, then the comments on my friend’s post, then I’ve had to comment, and then counter comment, and then…well, you get the idea. So, I’ve been putting the phone down more. Being 100% present for whatever task needs my attention, for my kids, for actual conversations with other human beings.

Okay, maybe 93% present. Because there are definitely those moments when my kid is going on and on and on and on and ON about some minute detail of their day while I’m daydreaming about having a nanny to listen to these inane one sided conversations while I’m sipping cocktails poolside. But truthfully, shutting down the outside noise during family time has definitely benefited all of us.

Use your time wisely. Instead of getting into a heated argument with a person who is on the complete opposite end of the social and political spectrum with you on someone else’s feed whom you barely know, do something that actually makes a difference, no matter how small. The number of people who have completely reversed their thinking in a comment thread probably hovers around zero. And for crap’s sake, if you absolutely MUST comment, don’t call names and stick to facts.

So what to do? Call your local and state representatives and let them know how you feel about what is going on. Just do a quick internet search, and you will be able to quickly find information about contacting your politicians and where they stand on issues important to you. Also, seek out organizations that represent issues that are important to you, and contribute to their cause, be it through a monetary donation, signing a petition on their behalf, following any suggestions they may have to otherwise support them, or just be aware of what may happen to affect them and determine what you can do to help. These activities take minutes, and are much more productive than getting angry at a stranger or even a friend or family member.

Another thing to look for are local social and/or political groups. I was led to one in my community, and one of their priorities is to connect people with the causes most important to them, not sending everyone everywhere to do everything. So I let them know, my top priorities are women’s reproductive rights and protection of the environment. And that’s where my energies with this group are focused. Not all day, all the time, but a purposeful, focused effort, WHEN I AM ABLE.

Do something that makes a difference.
I’ve just started by sixth season coaching Girls on the Run in my community. And I can say that, besides passing my stellar genes along to my daughters, this might be the best thing I’ve ever done. Giving my time and attention to these kids has changed my life, and hopefully theirs as well. Now, this particular effort of mine is definitely a time investment, but there are other things you can do that cost minimally in time, expense, and effort, but that can make a difference.

For example, my kids and I do what we call a “reverse advent calendar” in December. Every day, my kids would open their Lego advent calendar, and then go to the pantry and find a non-perishable food item to put in a basket. After the holidays, we brought the goods to the local food pantry. It took seconds out of our days, just a little money out of my wallet, and about 15 minutes to drive it to the food pantry to drop it off.

In addition, my kids and I are planning a garden now, to be implemented in the spring, so that we can make a difference in our own lives by being more self-sufficient, eat healthy things, and hopefully gain an appreciation for the work involved and the reward of growing our own food.

Take care of yourself.
You should do this all the time anyway, but in case your soul is feeling heavy from what feels like all the insanity around us, and your body is feeling heavy from eating all of your feelings (guilty…sooooo guilty), give yourself a break. Take a yoga class, get outside when the sun is shining, make sure you get enough sleep, keep in touch with people, read good books, drink enough water, move your body and eat your veggies!

Do you have other suggestions for staying aware but keeping balance? If so, please leave them in the comments section! And please like and share!

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven

Gratitude Raditude

“Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul.” – Henry Ward Beecher

I don’t get a lot of opportunity to spend time alone in the car at this point in my life, but when I do, and it’s for more than 15 minutes, I’m listening to podcasts. Some of my favorites include You Are Not So Smart (because I like learning about how our brains mess with us), With Friends Like These (because I like hearing points of view that vary from mine in a respectful, non-hostile manner), Pod Save America (because I crave information and humor in and about our current political climate), and Freakonomics.

In case you are unfamiliar, Freakonomics basically takes apart, analyzes, and explains stuff. Like gender differences in the workplace, why people hate flying (and why they shouldn’t), how to be more productive, why you should get enough sleep, and one I listened to a couple of years ago, “Why Is My Life So Hard?”.

Among other things, it discusses the broad topic of gratitude. It’s not much of a secret that purposefully practicing gratitude, something as simple as a daily notation of something that one is grateful for, demonstrated benefits. Aside from just making sense, there is research that documents those benefits of gratitude, including improvements to relationships, physical health, mental health, self-esteem and sleep habits, as well as reduced aggression and heightened empathy.

So with all of those benefits, why isn’t EVERYONE practicing gratitude daily? Why is something so easy not widely practiced? Well, for one, our brains aren’t wired that way. In relation to the practice of gratitude, this Freakonomics episode discusses something called the “Headwinds/Tailwinds Asymetry”, which is also the title of a research paper published by a couple of really smart psychologists, Tom Gilovich and Shai Davidai.

The gist of headwinds/tailwinds asymmetry is that it’s easier for people to ignore the good things in their lives, to take them for granted (“tailwinds”), while giving more of their energy and attention to perceived obstacles and negatives in their lives (“headwinds”).

Why? Because we don’t have to pay attention to those things that make our lives good. We generally simply adapt our world view to make the good things part of the background, what is just assumed to be a part of our lives. Gilovich and Daviai call those “the invisibles”, the things that we can and should be grateful for, but often just don’t see.

This resonated with me, and I picked up a book, called “Micro-Resilience”, written by Bonnie St. John and Allen P. Haines. Chapter 4 is titled “Reframe Your Attitude”, which discusses the benefits of positive thinking and the science behind it, and provides suggestions and resources to help diminish negative thoughts and enhance positive ones, and how that can bring about actual change in one’s life.

All of this is to say that I am grateful (see what I did there?) that I have come across some resources that delve into the science of gratitude and positive thinking. Because, honestly it is something I struggle with; I’ve started and stopped what I intended to be a daily gratitude journal about 6 times. And each time, without fail, I have dropped it after my fifth non-consecutive entry of “I am grateful for coffee”.

I now recognize that it is far easier for me to overlook the importance of the “invisibles” in my life (e.g., my children have access to a quality education, I am able to afford a mortgage payment, I have single-stream recycling, I have internet access most of the time) than the perceived obstacles (e.g., everything that I wish I had more of, less of, or better than it is now).

So now I’m going to try to take a moment every day, or at least once or twice a week and really think about some of the apparent and invisible things I’m grateful for. And I’m not going to treat it as a self-inflicted obligation. I will attempt to recognize the tailwinds more, and not dwell so much on the headwinds. And just see what happens.

Grateful for this one (almost) every dang day…

Lastly, dear reader, I’d love to know if you practice gratitude regularly, how you do it, and if you get caught up in your headwinds.

Until next time,

Just Breathe…

The Twisted Maven